Today I decided that instead of facing down sadness, I’d go for a run. I’m still in 5K training mode. I have 9 more races to run by the end of the year so going out for a run is nothing unusual. It is unusual for me to leave the tv off and actively decide to start my day with meditation and running. I’m really glad I did.
I was laying in bed with tears running down my face, missing my little girl (1-1/2 weeks down, 3-1/2 weeks to go). I didn’t have to get up and the 5 hours of sleep I got was nowhere near enough, but my brain would not let me rest. I’ve done quite a bit of personal development work and I know that there are healthy coping mechanisms and self-destructive ones. Today I decided that being healthy was my priority.
It’s hot today, but probably not as hot as it’s going to be during some of my races so I got outside with my iPod. I usually listen to an energy meditation podcast before I begin my run. I love Stin Hansen’s work at http://www.mythoughtcoach.com. It’s a huge comfort when I am going through challenging times. Today I listened to Affirmations for Coping with a Crisis and particularly liked the following affirmations:
- It’s perfectly alright to feel sadness and hurt, these are normal human emotions.
- As I welcome comfort and peace, it will come. I am ready for comfort and peace now.
- I make sure my sources of help are constructive.
- The friends or family members that I need most now rally around me. When they reach out, I let them in.
- I shun any destructive behaviors as a way of coping with this.
- My primary focus now is learning how to heal in the healthiest way possible.
- When it is time and when I am ready, I will transcend this. I will rise above the ashes.
While I jogged I remembered to focus on my breathing and used an exercise I learned long ago. It calls for you to visualize your pain or anxiety and give it a color. You then breathe out that color and breathe in a calming color. I breathed out the flame orange pain and breathed in an island ocean blue. As I was breathing out that pain I reminded myself to let it go. I didn’t need to hold onto it to make it real. I could let it go and do my best to replace it with happy thoughts and memories. As I was sweating, I thought of all the toxins, physical and emotional, that were leaving my body and I was grateful.
Now for the new runners, here is the breakdown of my physical run. It’s seems to be a story of 8′s:
- First 8 minutes (1-8) – Piece of cake. I don’t even know where the time went
- Next 8 minutes (9-16) – I’m now thinking about the fact that I’m running and it’s hot, but it’s not too hard.
- Third 8 minutes (17-24) – Whew, I went a little further today then yesterday and yay it’s time to turn around and head back!
- Fourth 8 minutes (25-32) – Holy crap! When did this get so hard??? I just want to stop but I slow down to a jogging crawl.
- Last 8 minutes (33-40) – At this point, you’ve already run 32 minutes! Just think of it like the first 8. You can’t stop NOW!
I will say that at 37:30 I heard myself moan and I didn’t know whether I was going to hurl or cry. I swallowed my bile, kept up my slow shuffle and let the tears fill my eyes. Something about letting go made them not want to spill over onto my face. I stopped trying to control my sadness. It’s a real human emotion and I am a real human being. Some days I try hard not to be, but I am only cheating myself and those who find beauty and wisdom in my vulnerability.
Today I was sad. I meditated, I went for a run and I am now sharing what’s in my heart. I now leave the rest up to the Universe.
I was shocked to discover that I was humming, “Rhythm of Love” by Plain White T’s while cleaning up after my daughter’s birthday party tonight. It was perfect. I had dropped my dear friend and her kids off at the train station a few hours prior. We both shared how wonderful the day had been. That was the last thing I expected at the onset of this day.
The best I was hoping for was a minor calamity of too many people, not enough space and a party that would go down in history for all the wrong reasons. Instead we had a slew of kids, food that turned out better than I expected and perfect camaraderie. My village came together strong around my baby girl and I couldn’t be more grateful.
Along this journey to having my first big house party, I learned a few new tricks. My cleaning/organization meditation podcast from http://www.mythoughtcoach.com was invaluable in keeping me motivated through piles and piles of stuff. It felt great to see and hear my friend’s reactions to my almost clean living room. I’m looking forward to seeing what I can do with the rest of my place.
My daughter was in all of her glory, playing with some of her favorite people, getting to drink soda, opening presents and on and on! It was exciting and sweet, and I was so happy for her. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to pull off any party, let alone one that was pretty terrific. My girlfriends made new friends and I’m looking forward to seeing what new connections arise. As I reflected on a long, tiring and wonderful day, I couldn’t help but feel like I was under the influence of the rhythm of love.
I am falling asleep as I write this, but I am too happy to not post it tonight. Thank you ladies (and gentlemen) for making today absolutely perfect. We felt the love, shared in the laughter and had a beautiful life-affirming experience. Today, was a big old success!
I wouldn’t be surprised if I ended up humming myself to sleep.