Won’t Waste My Time on Envy

Sometimes I wish we could pick and choose the emotions we get to experience. Ah, but that wouldn’t be life, would it? Joy, love, passion, happiness, peacefulness, serenity, confidence. Those are some of the emotions I’d choose. Envy is one I’d leave behind. I don’t think it’s an emotion that surfaces often, but when it does it shocks me.

I was checking my Facebook page and noticed that a friend posted pictures from an African safari vacation. This was a person I had worked with at my previous corporate hustle. As I looked through his pictures I had such a sense of envy. For a few moments I let it flow through me. In those moments I wanted to trade the financial hardships of a single mom, divorcee, entrepreneur, starving artist for the luxury calling to me from those pictures.

Thankfully I limited my envy to a few choice moments and then I gave myself a mental shake. Earlier in the day I shared with a few colleagues that I planned on being financially fabulous! I went on to explain that being financially fabulous means that I will never have to wonder where my revenue is coming from, I live debt free and I will share my wealth with my family, friends and community. I even shared a story with them about how I would use my yacht as a timeshare for my family and friends.

I’m in the phase of my career where you end up paying your dues and sacrificing. There is no rule book and nothing to say that it will take me 15 years to get there. What I know to be true is that I need to position myself and my company in front of content buyers who get and want what I am selling. Some days it feels easier said than done, but in reality it’s all a state of mind. So I won’t waste my time on being envious of someone else’s dream. I will celebrate and be grateful that he got to take his dream vacation, and then I will turn my attention to continuing to manifest the life of my dreams.

*Thanks to my mom for the updated edit. I’m glad to have you in my corner to point out my typos so I can be the best that I can be. I wonder if there are any typos here. hee. Mom – I left the “will” in instead of using “could/would” because I know it’s going to happen and I will!

Sleepwalking Through Life

So if you are tired all the time, are you getting a chance to enjoy life?  I wonder. Sitting here typing, no idea what the heck is for dinner and needing to get moving – that’s what I’m wondering. I’m definitely going to get a cup of coffee before moving onto my next location because I just might not make it today.

I have this weird sensation inside. For all the typical trappings that I don’t have or can’t afford, my life is pretty wonderful. I am doing work that I am passionate about, there seem to be endless opportunities for me to grow and I have a beautiful, healthy and spirited child. Yes, I’m tired as hell…but I don’t think you can take on the world and not get tired from time to time.

As an entrepreneur there isn’t a lot of down time. I’m working when I wake up, after I put my daughter to bed and sometimes even in the middle of the night when I get up to go to the bathroom. Sadly, I am always checking my phone for messages or jotting down thoughts and ideas. It’s hard to turn it all off, but I plan on doing just that in a few weeks.

I have scheduled a week-long vacation for myself. I’m not going anywhere, I’m just going to spend that time having fun and loving up on my daughter. So often I find myself sleepwalking through my life. I’m doing routine stuff over and over again without even realizing it. I don’t take stock in whether or not I enjoy doing it.  I’m just doing it.

Today a woman invited me to go to a racetrack where I could ride along with a professional driver at speeds up to 150 miles per hour. I woke up for that one. I’m going to have to ponder the feasibility of that opportunity. It would definitely be a first for me and I’m sure it would be exciting.

Should it take a major adrenaline rush to wake me up to the majesty of my everyday life? I miss so much being caught up in getting caught up. Maybe I can wake up and ponder the beautiful things that happen every day, like my daughter’s laugh or the sway of honeysuckle in the gentle breeze – even if I’m tired.

Poised on the Edge

Every now and then I look up and realize the bold steps I’ve taken. When I do, it usually scares the stuffing out of me! I am an adventurer in training. It’s hard for some to believe but my authentic personality is much more of a shrinking violet than flame lily.

Tonight, as I sit poised on the edge, I looked up and got a scare. I can only imagine it would be like sitting on the lip of the Grand Canyon looking down. I have low-grade anxiety coursing through my soul. The cause? Fear! I’ve been out there hustling. Making cold calls and contacting people in positions of power about my products and services. This is EXACTLY what I need to do to be successful in business, but it’s diametrically opposed to what I am comfortable doing.

The first step is the call, but what happens when they call back? I freak myself out about the million little what if’s. It’s never as bad as I imagine it to be. As a matter of fact, usually the experience is inspiring and positive – even if I am receiving negative feedback. It’s like I’m getting good at jumping off the ledge and I’ve been great at retreating from it. The one thing I need to master is standing here, poised on the edge, waiting for the boomerang I threw to come back to me.

If I’m honest it’s, “What if they don’t like me, what if they laugh at me, what if they say I don’t belong here, what if I don’t know the answers, what if I make a fool out of myself?” Somewhere during my formative years, I learned that looking like a fool was the end of the world. I’ve done everything I can to avoid looking like a fool and in turn have become very foolish.

I believe in the products I have to offer. I believe that they will have a positive impact on the people they touch, and that my company will ultimately be one that creates jobs and makes a difference in my community. If I know all of the good that could be done with support, why not run outside and sing my praises to the rooftops? That’s the disconnect, the gap. That’s the space I get to live in for the next few weeks, months or years until I breakthrough and begin to value myself and the work that I am doing.

I have moments of promise. Ones where I accurately and confidently sell myself and my dreams. Then I usually retreat into the corner and pray that no one will look at me. Somewhere, some way there has to be a balance of those needs. The need to do the work I love and generate a healthy wage for it, and the need to hide in the corner and become invisible. I don’t think there will ever come a time when I feel 100% confident about who I am and what I have to offer this world, but I can dedicate myself 100% to my growth in that direction.

My mantra for the day: I open my heart to the blessings of the Universe and I share my unique gifts and talents with the world.
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Spinning Plates

When I was younger I remember being glued to the television watching the performers spinning plates.  It was an amazing feat, single-handedly getting 6 or 7 plates spinning on long sticks at the same time and keeping them rotating so they didn’t crash to the ground.  At the time it was a really cool trick, now I realize it’s a lot like life. In my life it is a variety of things…single parenting, entrepreneurship, dating after divorce or the ever-illusive quest for health and wellness.

Some people call it balance. I did for a long time. I was channeling balance. Being a grounded, healthy and sane woman. That was my goal. It actually still is my goal, but I am beginning to accept that my life is and might always be a set of spinning plates. Some days I’m a star who gets it all done with panache and then there are the days where every last plate comes crashing to the floor.

I’m beginning to realize that it doesn’t matter which day I’m having…yes, here it is – it’s the journey that counts. Heard it a million times, right? The thing is that it’s true. Once one situation improves some other crazy complication will creep up. Life is not pretty. It is an ugly, putrid mess! It is also breathtakingly beautiful.  The challenge is to take the mess and the beauty in stride and keep on spinning.