Being True to You

I received a call last night that shocked me to my core. I won’t disclose the details of that call, but I will say that the caller was inserting herself into my private life uninvited. I was at a friend’s house having one last grown up “play date” before my daughter’s return. The caller, as far as I can tell, was a perfectly lovely elder who wanted to share her thoughts on the choices I was making in my life.

I sat on the phone stupefied, while trying to make the appropriate responses. The call was completely inappropriate and invasive. Did I mention that this woman was a stranger to me? After the call was over my friend said that I was too nice and that I handled it much better than she would have.

What went through my mind when I was on the phone was that I should try to put myself in this woman’s shoes.  Spending time with the women of Porches (our short oral history documentary) has clearly given me a deeper and more respectful appreciation for my elders. While listening to her I tried to imagine where she was coming from – a culture where it is not unusual for community members to insert themselves into others lives to avoid perceived wrong doing, a strong religious background and having lived over 80 years in a turbulent world.

Putting myself in her shoes didn’t make receiving the call any less ridiculous, shocking and completely inappropriate, but I guess when your convictions are strong you have to go with your heart. I shifted into a place of respect and gratitude for the compassion and love she was sharing and I did my best to hear what she was saying with an open heart. Listening with an open heart, however, has nothing to do with giving in to her desires.

The purpose of the call could only have been to pull my heart-strings and manipulate me into taking actions that would benefit others. I’m good for some charitable giving, but in this case I had to think about what was right for me. In this situation I had to stop, and as a grown woman assess my life, my past relationships and what I am willing to accept. Some doors are closed with good reason.

It really wasn’t even a consideration. I appreciated her wishing me the best in life, but I get to be true to me and decide what is best for me. My current situation can be seen as challenging.  The outside world will look on it as – I’m single with no serious prospects for a long-term relationship, under employed and fiscally challenged. My leadership and spirituality training teach me that the power of life and death are in the word and that what you focus on is what you attract into your life.

With that in mind I will claim the following – I have a wonderful life. One full of passion, abundance and love. I have an amazing man in my life who has an impeccable character, is strong, loving, generous and appreciates me for all that I am. My business is booming – I can choose the projects I work on and I am well compensated for my efforts. I breathe life and celebrate each moment. My family is happy, healthy and strong. We travel the world, improve our community and are able to bless those around us financially, spiritually and emotionally.

I have not heard the last of this mystery caller. She promised to call back. My goal will be to thank her for her kindness, listen with loving heart and kindly find a way to tell her that I choose loving me.

Me and My Heart, We’ve Got Issues

There is a song called Issues by a group called the Saturdays. As I was sitting at my desk I received a message that made my stomach turn sour and my mood bottom out. Shortly after that Issues came on. I was struck by one of the lines in the chorus, “…me and my heart, we’ve got issues…” In that moment I realized how true that is my life.

I am an admitted softie. My uncle likes to joke that if I get into a fight I end up crying, after that I hit the other person. What he finds funny is that I am crying because I let the other person get me to the place where I resort to hitting them. Now, I no longer hit people out of anger, but when pushed to my limits I might lose my cool and say things that I regret. This happens incredibly infrequently because I understand the power of my words, that I can’t take them back once they are out and I work hard to stay in a healthy frame of mind where there is no need for this kind of exchange.

There is an ocean between that healthy place and my breaking point. In the midst of that ocean there are a lot of ugly feelings that I try to transcend or release. Sometimes they end up in the landfill, the convenient place my therapist discovered, where I push the stuff I don’t want to deal with, can’t deal with or just won’t deal with.

When I got that message earlier I realized that I still have a lot of feelings swimming around in that landfill. You see, when you have transcended a trauma or an event, you are able to look back and see it for what it was. When you shove something in the landfill every exposure has the ability to cause you pain or send you back to the originating event. I hate that I have given this person any power over even a split second of my happiness.

I wasn’t expecting the communication so I guess I didn’t have a chance to put up my natural defense mechanisms. What stinks is that I must have any defense mechanisms. The unfortunate reality is that there will always be people in some aspect of your life who are negative, nasty and downright dangerous. I surround myself with positive, loving and empowered people because that’s who I am. I don’t have the patience or tolerance for the negative, nasty or dangerous.

Now that the cloud of negative energy snuck in, it’s up to me to reboot my system, breathe and remember that I am safe and in control. My mind is powerful, but my heart has issues. Not in a romantic way, but in a way that once it has extended love there will always be an imprint. The challenge for me is to not change who I am because I was burned. I am supposed to be open, loving and risk-taking no matter what.

Inspiration Lives Here

Do you ever wonder where inspiration lives?  I’ve spent the last few weeks searching for it, running away from it and being shrouded in moments of joy and sadness. I don’t wake up every morning jumping from my bed on a quest to be inspired and to provide inspiration to others, but throughout the course of a day that’s just what happens.

I received a lovely message from a new friend who thanked me for sharing my experiences (you know who you are and I am grateful that you found me). She helped me understand that although I may feel alone on this journey, people are watching what I am doing and being inspired. It’s really a weird thing sometimes. I do what I do because I am moved towards it or I am avoiding a consequence.

I often think about if my actions will have a negative impact on people’s perception of me, my family or my business, but I don’t stop to wonder if they will inspire someone. I’m working to create original content that will inspire people to make positive changes in their lives and the lives of those in their surrounding communities. I guess I’m now understanding that inspiration starts with the air I breathe, with the actions I take or avoid every day.

This includes the food choices I make, the way my home is maintained, the positivity or negativity I spew on my social media sites. I know I’m responsible for the energy I carry around with me (thanks, Oprah) but I guess I didn’t consider how far-reaching it can be. When I am truly being 100% honest, and not limiting myself based on fear, I can tell that I am a powerful woman who is a force to be reckoned with. I have not even begun to access the ridiculous gifts I have within me.

I find it scary to admit that. I used to think that might come off as arrogance, but since I have not been prepared to own my gifts and make the most out of them, it’s hardly even recognized. I’ve coached friends that the world is waiting for them to step up and share their voices. Encouraged them to realize the blessings they are in an often weary world. As I go into a few days where I will need to step up and talk about myself, my business and my vision for my future, I offer myself that same coaching.

I get to speak up passionately about who I am, what I can do and what I have to offer this world. I get to understand that there are people waiting to hear my message and desperately seeking what I am selling. I don’t need to beg, borrow or steal. My greatness is unique and priceless. What I get to do is to refine my approach so I can line up with the abundant forces of the Universe, share my blessings far and wide, make a positive impact and be handsomely rewarded – financially, spiritually and emotionally.

Guess, what? You get to do all those things to. Why not join me?

Anatomy of a Sad Run

Today I decided that instead of facing down sadness, I’d go for a run.  I’m still in 5K training mode. I have 9 more races to run by the end of the year so going out for a run is nothing unusual. It is unusual for me to leave the tv off and actively decide to start my day with meditation and running. I’m really glad I did.

I was laying in bed with tears running down my face, missing my little girl (1-1/2 weeks down, 3-1/2 weeks to go). I didn’t have to get up and the 5 hours of sleep I got was nowhere near enough, but my brain would not let me rest. I’ve done quite a bit of personal development work and I know that there are healthy coping mechanisms and self-destructive ones. Today I decided that being healthy was my priority.

It’s hot today, but probably not as hot as it’s going to be during some of my races so I got outside with my iPod. I usually listen to an energy meditation podcast before I begin my run. I love Stin Hansen’s work at http://www.mythoughtcoach.com. It’s a huge comfort when I am going through challenging times. Today I listened to Affirmations for Coping with a Crisis and particularly liked the following affirmations:

• It’s perfectly alright to feel sadness and hurt, these are normal human emotions.
• As I welcome comfort and peace, it will come. I am ready for comfort and peace now.
• I make sure my sources of help are constructive.
• The friends or  family members that I need most now rally around me. When they reach out, I let them in.
• I shun any destructive behaviors as a way of coping with this.
• My primary focus now is learning how to heal in the healthiest way possible.
• When it is time and when I am ready, I will transcend this. I will rise above the ashes.

While I jogged I remembered to focus on my breathing and used an exercise I learned long ago. It calls for you to visualize your pain or anxiety and give it a color. You then breathe out that color and breathe in a calming color. I breathed out the flame orange pain and breathed in an island ocean blue. As I was breathing out that pain I reminded myself to let it go. I didn’t need to hold onto it to make it real. I could let it go and do my best to replace it with happy thoughts and memories. As I was sweating, I thought of all the toxins, physical and emotional, that were leaving my body and I was grateful.

Now for the new runners, here is the breakdown of my physical run. It’s seems to be a story of 8′s:

• First 8 minutes (1-8) – Piece of cake. I don’t even know where the time went
• Next 8 minutes (9-16) – I’m now thinking about the fact that I’m running and it’s hot, but it’s not too hard.
• Third 8 minutes (17-24) – Whew, I went a little further today then yesterday and yay it’s time to turn around and head back!
• Fourth 8 minutes (25-32) – Holy crap! When did this get so hard??? I just want to stop but I slow down to a jogging crawl.
• Last 8 minutes (33-40) – At this point, you’ve already run 32 minutes! Just think of it like the first 8. You can’t stop NOW!

I will say that at 37:30 I heard myself moan and I didn’t know whether I was going to hurl or cry. I swallowed my bile, kept up my slow shuffle and let the tears fill my eyes. Something about letting go made them not want to spill over onto my face. I stopped trying to control my sadness. It’s a real human emotion and I am a real human being. Some days I try hard not to be, but  I am only cheating myself and those who find beauty and wisdom in my vulnerability.

Today I was sad. I meditated, I went for a run and I am now sharing what’s in my heart.  I now leave the rest up to the Universe.

Breathing Through Fear

My friend called me this morning full of fear. She got some AMAZING news and a huge door opened for her. She said she thought she might pee herself. Yup, that’s a big old dose of fear. It’s ironic. We ask for things, actually most times we beg and pray for them. Once they begin to happen many of us have one foot out the door, heading in the opposite direction. Success is scary. Achieving your wildest dreams can be terrifying.

On a much smaller scale, today I am facing one of my fears. I couldn’t sleep last night and spent the morning with my stomach tied in knots. It’s hard for me to clearly express what’s going on. Maybe that’s why I’m having the physical symptoms of stress and anxiety. As my friend and I spoke this morning I coached her on breathing through the fear. People that tell you not to be afraid, clearly don’t recall what it feels like to be afraid.

When you are scared, there is no switch to turn it on and off. What you can do is breathe, and know that eventually the sensations will pass. It’s that “eventually” that’s the problem. Sitting in the puddle of anxiety can be debilitating.  When I’m there I pick up coping mechanisms that don’t serve my interests. Sometimes it’s eating when I’m not hungry, it could be mindless internet surfing and when dealing with people it can look like me shutting down.

I’m learning that fear is just an obstacle put up to see how badly I want something.  There have been many occasions when I have turned around at the first sign of that hurdle. Now that I know that I can be scared and do something anyway, I just try to breathe through my fear. If you ever see me standing around like a deer in headlights, it might just be that I am breathing and trying to adjust so I can jump that next hurdle.

 

Dropping Off My Heart

It’s D-Day. For me that’s drop off day. The day I drive my daughter to the airport so she can go spend five weeks with her father. FIVE WEEKS! It seems to be an impossible length of time. She’s spent the last year with me and now she’ll be away for five weeks. Some people think this must be the coolest thing that could ever happen to a single parent. All the sudden you get weeks of free time to do whatever you want! Score! Right?

Not quite so. There are benefits to some time off. I will get a chance to recharge my batteries and I’ll be able to do things I might not try if she were here. The double edged sword of it all, is that dropping her off is like dropping off my heart. When she leaves the world dims. Things just don’t seem right anymore. It’s takes an extra effort just to get out of bed, or to even care about the things that previously excited me.

Do I go through a mini state of depression? Absolutely. Do I cry? Hell yes! I do my best to send her off happily because she deserves this time with her dad. It’s been hard enough for her not to have him around. She needs to know that he loves her and to be the center of someone else’s world for a change. I know that I can’t be her everything, nor should I be. I do the best that I can to fill in for all of her needs in his day to day absence. It’s NEVER enough.

My kid is like any other child. She wants us to get back together and live as one happy family. It’s not going to happen. The best I can offer her is to be supportive of  her getting the love she needs from her dad. When she goes away I practice getting the love I need for myself. That means taking good care of me – exercising, eating right, resting, meditating and playing. It’s an effort, because right now all I want to do is curl up in the corner and cry.

This is my third year dropping off my heart. It hasn’t gotten any easier. Each year I’ve wished there would be someone to catch me after she happily skips away with her father, and I begin my fall. Instead I drive alone on the airport roads to my exit, hoping the tears don’t get so bad that I need to pull over.

I drive home or wherever I’m going and do my best to craft the appropriate responses to people’s inquiries. I don’t think they want to hear how deeply my heart is broken.  They definitely don’t want to see the raw wound that’s ravaging my heart. I don’t even want to see it! I start to pick up the pieces. I know and I’m grateful that this is temporary heartbreak, that my little girl will come home. The fatalistic side of me wonders what could happen while she’s gone, but I quickly replace that with the image of her running back into my arms five weeks from today!

I realize I’m not in control. I can’t control anything that happens to her while she’s away. I can only control how I respond to it. It’s the lesson I work to teach her every day, but it’s much harder to apply now. Who’s going to kiss her boo boos, is her dad going to pick up on her emotional nuances, what will he do to manage her homesickness, how will he reassure her when she thinks that she’s not enough and how will I cope when she calls crying – as she always does.

I don’t have all the answers. I have a lot of tears, some shed and some waiting in the wings. I’m going to breathe, get ready and take her to see her dad. I’ll be a grown up about it and I’ll handle all the questions that come up on the long ride to the airport. I’ve already handled most of the tough ones like, “What if I don’t know what daddy looks like?” There goes another crack in my heart. I guess when you’re just six and haven’t seen your dad for a year, that’s a legitimate concern. I promised her that I’d help her find her daddy and I promised myself that I wouldn’t cry until she’s out of sight.

Time to see what I’m really made of.

Breakthroughs!!!!

I’m vibrating with excitement. This week I’ve had a HUGE breakthrough. No matter what comes of it, this moment is one for me to remember forever! I had been set in my ways for so long, but thankfully a few beautiful women stayed on me and gave me a few good nudges in the opposite direction (thank you Darralynn, Nina & Chipo)! Actually, they gave me a few upper cuts of encouragement, empowerment and an occasional reality check.

I wish I could say that I am trained to have breakthroughs on my own. I guess I have had a few, but it’s like having a personal trainer. When I am working out with a trainer I work much harder. When I have accountability partners I am pushed to new heights. Well the work I’ve been doing from the last few months has begun to pay off.

One of the things I have hated is cold calling. As an entrepreneur it’s just something I have to do. I used to defer it to my business partner, but now it’s something I HAVE to do. Seasoned sales people with tell you that it’s just part of the game. Some even love the excitement of the possibilities on the other side of that phone. Me? All I could think about was the rejection.

I had a coaching call with a friend today.  I told him that he was already projecting failure before he had reached the starting line. I guess I was really talking to myself!  The funny thing about knowledge is that you can have  a lot of it and do nothing with it.  I won’t spend a lot of time pondering why I’ve spent so much time spinning my wheels. I’ll acknowledge it, shake my head at the wasted time and use my new knowledge to create more breakthroughs.

The Power of Vulnerability

The next two weeks are going to be really tough for me. I’m approaching the time of year where I pack up my baby girl and send her to see her father who lives out-of-state. She’ll be gone for over a month. It’s like my heart has a gaping hole in it. People always say that they’d love to have a break from their kids. I agree to an extent. With a long break like this you don’t have to deal with bad behavior, discipline or neediness, but you also miss out on the smiles, hugs, kisses and everything else that makes parenting so amazing.

I joke that I spend half of her visit crying, but it’s probably pretty close to the truth. I find it incredibly difficult to be around my friends with kids when she’s gone. It’s like pouring salt on an open wound. My friends are so sweet and I think they believe that surrogate love is comparable to my daughter’s love. I am appreciative that they don’t let me curl up in a ball and stay put through her entire trip, but nothing fills the void. Nothing is supposed to. My daughter has a unique essence that is all her own and the world seems like it’s upside down until she gets back.

The tricky part about this is that once again, it’s not about me. This trip is about meeting my daughter’s needs. She needs to know that she has a father who loves her and she deserves to spend time with his side of the family.  As much as I want to be able to be her everything, I realize that there will be benefits in her going on her trip (as long as the other household is a positive and healthy environment).

It’s hard to write this without crying.  This is where I remind myself about the power of being vulnerable and of sharing my story. I realize that there are millions of other parents also going through this same struggle. Somehow knowing that you are not alone makes it a little easier to tolerate. Not less painful, but easier to tolerate. I will do my best to fill my time with activities I can’t do when she’s here. I’ll spend many evenings out because I won’t have to worry about daycare pick up or the cost of a baby sitter. I’ll have fun, get rest and count every single second until she’s back in my arms.

This is my third summer sending her away. It never gets easier and I bet it never will. Maybe this is preparation for sending her off to college. That’s just my way of finding a silver lining.

A Sprinkle of Inspiration

I would like to celebrate the ladies that are about to step up and journey into 5K101 training. I totally bulldozed them into this! Am I sorry? Not at all. At the end of the day, some or all of these ladies will step up to the challenge and see what they are made of. I know that each one of them is an extraordinary woman, as am I. It took a while for me to realize this simple fact, but there it is.

I understand that you attract what you put out. I’m thankful to have attracted a group of phenomenal men and women by taking the first steps of training to run a 5K. I am forming new friendships, getting healthy and learning how powerful I truly am. It’s kind of weird. Once you get going, there is a whole new energy around you and I don’t think you can turn it off.

I’m scared to run my next 5K. The first one was tough, but a testament to what I am made of. I know I just need to keep training and do the best that I can. I’m only running against myself, but it is so much easier to not push myself. It’s not better for me, but it sure seems easier. One of my friends recommended running a 5K in each state as a great way to travel the country with my family (thanks Tracey). It’s a wonderful idea that would never have crossed my mind.

Even better, she mentioned that Disney has a Disney Princess Half Marathon around the park. Having a little girl who dreams of one day going to Disney, this might just be a win-win. I can’t believe I am considering, considering running a half marathon! A funny thing happens when you get a little sprinkle of inspiration…it’s really hard to get it to stop. Just ask the ladies who have been reading about my training. I didn’t start out to inspire anyone. I was inspired by my workout partner and in turn I seem to be inspiring others.

A sprinkle of inspiration is a powerful force. Use it wisely!

You Know You’re a Chicken When…

Ever want something really badly, but get paralyzed in the process of making it happen? Then you might be a chicken. Not sure what that looks like? Could be something like this:

1. You see what you want, but you won’t go after it.
2. Someone offers you what you want, yet you politely turn it down.
3. Just the thought of taking a step in the direction of said goal, sends chills down your spine.

You know you’re a chicken if any of those ring true. Guess what? I’m a chicken. There’s no shame in admitting that fear gets the best of you. Like Captain Planet used to say (ok, so I’m dating myself), “…and knowing is half the battle.” If you are aware of your challenges, then you have a chance to address them.  I’m a chicken through and through, so I often like ignoring my fears until they are right up in my face.

Fortunately or unfortunately for me, I’m blessed to have empowered friends that challenge me to be a better woman.  The discussions are uncomfortable  - and on my part there is a whole lot of squirming, but in the end I can see the prize.  I want to live the life of my dreams, but I’m often too afraid to go after it.  When that happens, I take a deep breath and jump in. It might be a tiny jump, but it’s always forward moving.

If you’re scared find a friend to give you that loving push. Just make sure they have your best interest at heart.