Parenting – You Will Fail and it Will Be UGLY!

I find it amusing that as soon as a couple gets married there are tons of well wishers wondering when they are going to start a family. I’ll admit it. I’ve been guilty of doing the same thing, many times. It just seems to be a cultural norm. These days I’m found encouraging couples to take time to get to know themselves first and to accomplish a few big goals before starting a family. Just my personal opinion because kids change everything!

Here are 10 things those lovely well wishers don’t tell you about parenting:

1. Some days you won’t like your children. You will always love them, but there will be the days where liking them will be a challenge. One day my baby girl will read this so – Honey, mommy loves you. I always have and I always will, but this morning I didn’t particularly like you. Maybe it’s more accurate to say that I didn’t like your behavior.
2. It’s not about you. When you are pregnant it’s all about you. Everyone wants to make sure you are ok and that you have everything you need. “Don’t lift that…, Can I get you a glass of water? Why don’t you go take a nap?” Well once you’ve gotten into the crux of parenting, it’s not about you anymore. You can be sure that your kids could care less if you had enough sleep, have a headache or are stressed out about the bills.
3. There are 4,575,265 ways to make yourself feel guilty about your parenting choices. It’s a losing battle so you might as well forgive yourself and move on.
4. If you give them an inch, they want it ALL! Forget the mile, my kid wants everything she can get. I in turn get frustrated by how ungrateful and demanding she is. End result I lose my cool and am not the ideal parent who says just the right thing. I need to remind myself that it’s my job, like it or not, to create boundaries and reasonable expectations and to stick to them.
5. No one really wants to hear about the bad stuff. Advertising tells us that if we drink a certain beverage we will be cool, hip and enjoy fabulous experiences on tropical islands. It also tells us that if we buy our kids every toy in the world our kids will be happy, helpful and cooperative. No one’s going to tell you that some days things stink. Your kids aren’t going to cooperate. Hell, if they are like my daughter they are going to do the exact opposite of what you asked them to do and then smile about it. The anger, fear, disappointment, frustration and overwhelming nature of parenting just does not make for polite conversation.
6. Sometimes the little bit is all you’ve got. This refers to money, time, energy, enthusiasm, patience, you name it. Some days you are going to come up short. Hopefully on those days your kids will be on your side, but if not you’ll have to find some inner resolve to handle the situation. If you don’t, you might end up doing or saying something you’ll regret, then you can pick one of the ways from #3 to feel guilty about your actions.
7. Your kids don’t care about today’s crisis. Around here it’s always playtime. It never fails that the days I need to get out of the house quickly, are the days my daughter NEEDS to do a in-depth examination of her belly button lint or to show me the phenomenal, one of a kind hand prints she managed to make on the shower door. Best be organized and give yourself plenty of time because kids will be kids, even when you are on the brink of a personal disaster.
8. Even the experts get it wrong. I knew this Child Psychologist whose kids had more challenges than the average bear. We expect that if you go to school to learn about children and their behavior, that your kids should be perfect. That’s just not how we are hardwired as human beings. Things that work in theory may not work with your child. That’s not to say that the experts don’t have great kids. I’m just saying that many struggle, just like we do.
9. There are no right answers. Kids are like snowflakes. No two are alike. Even twins. Each child has their own individual personality, quirks, likes, strengths, fears and abilities. Although there are a ton of books about child development, there are no answers that work for every child. You are just going to have to find out what works with your child. It’s like life’s Rubix Cube with an absurdly high degree of difficulty.
10. You will fail and it will be UGLY. I have yet to meet one parent who doesn’t have  a horror story about something they said or did to their child that will stay with them for the rest of their lives. I have many. One time when my daughter was a rambunctious toddler who was misbehaving, I went to spank her on her bottom. She turned around just in time for me to spank her in the middle of her stomach. I still get emotional thinking about it. She wasn’t injured, but I’m sure it hurt. How do you explain to your crying two-year old that you didn’t mean to hit her in the stomach?  That you just wanted to spank her bottom so she would stop the bad behavior. You can’t, and I couldn’t take it back so I just held her while she cried. I think I cried too  and apologized. It was a failure on my part and it certainly was ugly.

When we become parents we join an illustrious club of individuals who are solely responsible for the wellbeing of impressionable children. Every action we say, do or celebrate is catalogued and often repeated. Parenting can be as difficult as it is rewarding. I love my little girl. I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without everything she has taught me. I guess people don’t tell you what you need to know about parenting, but your kids will. The question is will be you be willing to learn what they are here to teach  you and grow from the lessons learned?  I hope that’s what I’m doing. Only time will tell. I expect to arrive at her 21st birthday full of gray hairs, having accumulated  hundreds of sleepless nights and exhausted beyond belief…if I am lucky.

Life After Lice! Update (Special Feature)

Maybe it’s the subject matter or just the fatigue from the battle, but it’s been tough to get motivated to sit down and write this post. I promised myself that I would continue this journey and share what I learned with other parents out there, and so I will. It’s been a blissful few weeks since the little buggers swooped into our lives creating turmoil and distress. I am incredibly grateful that we have not seen any sign of lice since Day 14 (the 14th day after I noticed lice in my daughter’s hair and began treatment).

To be honest the maintenance regiment at this point is minimal but I still feel resistant to completing it. This is totally emotional. The thing that sucks about lice is that once you’ve had it you don’t forget it. You become hypersensitive to opportunities for head to head contact (primary way they are transferred from one person to another), kind of like once you learned there was a Boogie Man. As a parent of a young child that means play dates, birthday parties, ball pits, slumber parties – you name it.

The problem is that you can’t wrap your child’s head up in plastic wrap to prevent transmission.  Well, I guess you could but I certainly wouldn’t recommend it! My good news is that I discovered a local company called  Lice Lifters in Lafayette Hill, PA who were able to educate me, check my daughter’s head and offer an outlet for support.

We had a terrific experience at Lice Lifters. The entire process of checking my daughter’s head lasted less than an hour. The owners, Michele and Ilene, worked on my daughter while entertaining her with books and great conversation.

Lice Lifters - Michele & Ilene

They showed me the best method of combing through her hair, suggested a micro-grooved comb (the one I used originally didn’t have micro-grooved teeth) and explained what I should be looking for when doing future head checks.

They had a microscope in the treatment room (which was set up nicely like a salon, not intimidating or scary) so they could examine any possible nits (lice eggs). During one tense and fascinating moment, Michele thought she might have found a viable nit (If I recall correctly that was the terminology she used) and checked it out under the microscope. She let me look through the microscope which revealed what she called  a “thread bug.” I remember making a yuck face upon hearing the name, but she quickly explained that it’s just a piece of curled up thread that looks like a nit to the naked eye. Sure enough, when I looked through the microscope I saw an innocent little piece of thread.

I learned that understanding whether or not you have viable nits or actual lice in your hair is critical to knowing how to proceed with your treatment. I want to take a second to mention that as a parent I was thrilled at how the ladies handled my daughter. She started crying on the way to Lice Lifters because she didn’t want anyone else going through her hair.

Since I disclosed to her schools that she had lice she has been checked repeatedly by her school nurse, which I did know. What I didn’t know was that during one of the checks (with a substitute nurse) she felt like the nurse was too rough. She explained that the nurse pushed her head this way and that and that it hurt her. I asked if she let the nurse know that she was hurting her. My daughter said she didn’t.

It hurt my heart that she didn’t come right home and tell me about it . It hurt my pride that she kept getting pulled out of class to be checked, when no one ever notified me from either of her school programs that lice was going around. It’s not my goal to get caught up in the merits of notification as a way to prevent the spread of lice. I do, however, have every intention of coming back to this point at a later time.

The team at Lice Lifters were a balm on my wounded mommy heart. My daughter did great, even though she didn’t want to be there. The ladies were gentle, thorough, sensitive to our needs and most of all informative. They explained what products they were using (their own line called The Nit Nanny) and why they believed them to be effective.

Combing Through Checking for Nits & Lice

Thankfully they didn’t find one single nit! Michele did caution me that nothing is 100%. We discussed a treatment plan in case any nits were missed.  The treatment would  kill the lice larvae before they could grow to egg laying maturity. I was to complete the lice solution treatment twice over a period of a week and then do a combing head check once  a week. I loved that the products are pesticide free and it was easy to complete the treatment.

Another wonderful tip the ladies shared with us was the recommended  hairstyle to prevent the lice. Who knew? Maybe that seems silly, but I NEVER considered that by keeping my child’s hair tied back we might have avoided this. Now I’m not saying it’s the end all, but every bit helps.  Ilene was super cute with my daughter.  She offered to do her hair in, “the Jasmine style” and let her pick out her colors for the hair bands they would use.

The Jasmine

The Jasmine - Rear View

My daughter still hates having her head checked and probably always will. It hasn’t been a great experience, but I’m hearing it’s a common one.  We complete our daily maintenance with a mint spray which is supposed to deter lice. My daughter thinks she smells like a candy cane and has fun running around asking people to smell her hair (can you see me cringing over here). I guess it’s great that she’s not embarrassed and is actually proud of how she looks and smells since she having lice.

We  went to Lice Lifters to see what they did there and to find out if I could learn a thing or two about the realities of life after lice. The experience was incredibly positive. Thankfully, we didn’t have to have the full treatment for active lice since she was lice and nit free. We learned a great deal and the ladies finished off our visit with a snack for my daughter (and coffee for me), which is always a hit! The trip did set me back another $61 in hair care products, but where I am sitting it is worth it.

My little one was thrilled to leave, but it had little to do with Lice Lifters and a ton to do with this being a traumatic experience she would like to forget!  I have asked the Michele and Ilene to supply me with information about lice so I can continue to bring you information that might be helpful. I realize that lice is still taboo, but I believe that with increased education less families will suffer as we did.

I’m still itchy when I write and talk about this issue.

Maybe that will change one day…but if not, I’ll itch and I’ll write.

You can find out more about Lice Lifters at http://www.licelifters.com/.