Day 1 without my peanut and I survived. Only got weepy one time today, and didn’t let any of the tears actually spill. That’s impressive. Right? I promised myself that as I experienced the ups and downs of the 5 week separation from my daughter, I would be grateful each time I benefitted from her being with her father.
Today I had an audition at 4:40 pm in Manhattan. On a normal day I would never be able to make it home to pick my daughter up from after care. When this happens, I usually have to call in a favor to get coverage. My friends are terrific and it’s never a problem, but knowing that today she was with family while I worked made me feel a little bit better.
Several times today I started to call her to see how she was doing at her dad’s house. I stopped myself each time. I’m not sure why, but I just knew that calling her would have upended the routine she’s starting to build at her other home. I worry about everything. I worry if she’s happy, I worry if she’s homesick, I worry if she was able to fall asleep last night, or had a tummy ache today and if she’s feeling secure and having fun or if she’s sad and crying.
That’s what I do as a mom, I worry about the big stuff and the teeny tiny things. It made me think of the movie Eat Pray Love when Richard gives Liz this advice about her ex-boyfriend David, “So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it.” Richard goes on to share wisdom about what Liz will be capable of manifesting should she free up all this space she’s using to obsess about a guy.
It’s a loose translation, but it works. If I only obsess about my daughter for the next 5 weeks then I have wasted time and energy. I will think of her many moments of every day. My heart will ache with missing her, but I will do my best to miss her, send her love and light and then drop it. If I can do that, then maybe I will be able to manifest some amazing gifts in the space I open up.
The ache will be there whether I obsess about her needs being met or not, so I choose not. Mommy loves you little one. Sweet dreams.