Conquering Self-Sabotage

I’m happy that I can at times laugh at myself. Not always, but sometimes. My brother loves to tease me about my lack of focus and the other night I saw first hand that it is genetic. I might not have gotten it from my parents, but I most certainly gave it to my daughter. Ok, so maybe it’s not nature as much as it is nurture. Perhaps my daughter’s lack of focus stems from seeing me flit around our place taking on a dozen tasks at the same time and not completing any of them.

Last night I had my daughter take her clothes from her drawers, determine what still fit and put her new school clothes away. I was surprised at how many times I had to remind her to finish the task at hand. She doesn’t seem to do this at school, but when she’s home with nothing engaging to do she is so easily distracted. I gave her a goal to work towards. If she finished her task on time she could make zucchini bread with me. She did complete her task with several gentle reminders at what was at stake.

Today I sat down with a serious deadline. I have five days to put a proposal together. What I find really interesting is that I pushed hard to get my project to a point where I could pitch it to a viable entity. I had a great meeting with the power’s that be and now all that’s left is to put this proposal together. Pretty easy, right? Not so much. This is where I begin the self-sabotage. I guess I’m ahead of the game, because I have realized this about myself.

The trick now is to do something about it. I’ve noticed that some of the biggest attention sucks for me are social media, household chores (which I normally don’t want to do), mindless internet surfing (under the guise of important research) and brilliant brainstorming of new ideas.  It’s not that I haven’t been exposed to time management and project management skills and resources. It is a fundamental refusal to sit down and focus on the one thing that could lead me down the road to success. Yes, this is how fear of success manifests in my life.

My plan for battling this attention deficit behavior is to block off periods of time where I ONLY work on this proposal. That means I’m not looking at every tweet, Facebook mention or text message. There will be no surfing the net unless it is actually research that is required for this proposal. Everything else can and will wait. It’s alright to be creative, but at the end of the day I need to be able to focus long enough to execute my dreams.

I deserve success and abundance, as does everyone else on this planet. My goal is to overcome whatever bad habits or subconscious demons I have accepted in the past, so that I can be successful in my immediate future.

 

 

Poised on the Edge

Every now and then I look up and realize the bold steps I’ve taken. When I do, it usually scares the stuffing out of me! I am an adventurer in training. It’s hard for some to believe but my authentic personality is much more of a shrinking violet than flame lily.

Tonight, as I sit poised on the edge, I looked up and got a scare. I can only imagine it would be like sitting on the lip of the Grand Canyon looking down. I have low-grade anxiety coursing through my soul. The cause? Fear! I’ve been out there hustling. Making cold calls and contacting people in positions of power about my products and services. This is EXACTLY what I need to do to be successful in business, but it’s diametrically opposed to what I am comfortable doing.

The first step is the call, but what happens when they call back? I freak myself out about the million little what if’s. It’s never as bad as I imagine it to be. As a matter of fact, usually the experience is inspiring and positive – even if I am receiving negative feedback. It’s like I’m getting good at jumping off the ledge and I’ve been great at retreating from it. The one thing I need to master is standing here, poised on the edge, waiting for the boomerang I threw to come back to me.

If I’m honest it’s, “What if they don’t like me, what if they laugh at me, what if they say I don’t belong here, what if I don’t know the answers, what if I make a fool out of myself?” Somewhere during my formative years, I learned that looking like a fool was the end of the world. I’ve done everything I can to avoid looking like a fool and in turn have become very foolish.

I believe in the products I have to offer. I believe that they will have a positive impact on the people they touch, and that my company will ultimately be one that creates jobs and makes a difference in my community. If I know all of the good that could be done with support, why not run outside and sing my praises to the rooftops? That’s the disconnect, the gap. That’s the space I get to live in for the next few weeks, months or years until I breakthrough and begin to value myself and the work that I am doing.

I have moments of promise. Ones where I accurately and confidently sell myself and my dreams. Then I usually retreat into the corner and pray that no one will look at me. Somewhere, some way there has to be a balance of those needs. The need to do the work I love and generate a healthy wage for it, and the need to hide in the corner and become invisible. I don’t think there will ever come a time when I feel 100% confident about who I am and what I have to offer this world, but I can dedicate myself 100% to my growth in that direction.

My mantra for the day: I open my heart to the blessings of the Universe and I share my unique gifts and talents with the world.
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