Being Lonely is Being Strong

Ever notice that if you try to avoid something long enough, it all comes home to roost? Well, that’s me and men. I’ve been on my own for four years without any relationship of consequence. I’m surrounded by other divorcees who have also gone through a long period of time before they are able to get back out on the playing field. Usually, they are women.

I often wonder if guys take a relationship hiatus after big breakups. Most of the guys in my circles seem to leap-frog from one relationship to another, while the women take extended breaks. Many older women who divorce tell me that they will never remarry.  It’s just something I noticed in this latest phase of my life.

I was sharing with a friend that it’s much easier to connect with Joe Shmoe who could care less about me, than it is to sit at home being strong and lonely while waiting to meet Mr. Right. If I threw a stone I could hit dozens of single girlfriends looking for a “decent” guy. I know, I know…there are various debates about this exact issue. I had to dispel the myth that I was looking for Mr. Perfect the other day.

I don’t believe in Mr. Perfect. I do believe in Mr. Perfect for Me! I also believe that sometimes I just need to sit home and be lonely, even if that means my night ends in tears. It’s not a fun place to be, but it allows me to see the rarely viewed borders of my soul. Sometimes having the wrong man in your life can prevent you from seeing who you are and realizing your dreams. I think of it as hitting relationship bottom.

We all hear about the people who are afraid to be alone. They are always in a relationship, because being in one (even an unhealthy one) is more comfortable that being single. Being single definitely has its advantages, just like being in a relationship.  The trick for me, much like other areas of my life, is realizing that I am where I am supposed to be. I wasn’t supposed to be in a relationship over the last four years. I was healing my heart and finding my soul.

Now, I’m in a place where I can look at myself, my flaws, my needs and what I have to offer in a healthy way. I know what I’ll stand for and what is unacceptable. I’m still a total goofball when it comes to men, but I’m learning.  Being lonely isn’t the end of the world. It doesn’t feel very good, but I suppose it will help me be really grateful for the companionship when the right man comes along.

I recently realized that it’s actually harder to stay at home being lonely, than it is to go out and meet a man who won’t value my worth. I’m proud of myself for taking a stand for me, for accepting that I am a beautiful, intelligent, powerful and loving woman who deserves an amazing partner. I might slip up here and there, but for now I am cool with being alone. That is not to say that I want to be alone, it’s just that until Mr. Perfect for Me materializes I’ll find fun and exciting ways to invest in my growth.

Anatomy of a Sad Run

Today I decided that instead of facing down sadness, I’d go for a run.  I’m still in 5K training mode. I have 9 more races to run by the end of the year so going out for a run is nothing unusual. It is unusual for me to leave the tv off and actively decide to start my day with meditation and running. I’m really glad I did.

I was laying in bed with tears running down my face, missing my little girl (1-1/2 weeks down, 3-1/2 weeks to go). I didn’t have to get up and the 5 hours of sleep I got was nowhere near enough, but my brain would not let me rest. I’ve done quite a bit of personal development work and I know that there are healthy coping mechanisms and self-destructive ones. Today I decided that being healthy was my priority.

It’s hot today, but probably not as hot as it’s going to be during some of my races so I got outside with my iPod. I usually listen to an energy meditation podcast before I begin my run. I love Stin Hansen’s work at http://www.mythoughtcoach.com. It’s a huge comfort when I am going through challenging times. Today I listened to Affirmations for Coping with a Crisis and particularly liked the following affirmations:

• It’s perfectly alright to feel sadness and hurt, these are normal human emotions.
• As I welcome comfort and peace, it will come. I am ready for comfort and peace now.
• I make sure my sources of help are constructive.
• The friends or  family members that I need most now rally around me. When they reach out, I let them in.
• I shun any destructive behaviors as a way of coping with this.
• My primary focus now is learning how to heal in the healthiest way possible.
• When it is time and when I am ready, I will transcend this. I will rise above the ashes.

While I jogged I remembered to focus on my breathing and used an exercise I learned long ago. It calls for you to visualize your pain or anxiety and give it a color. You then breathe out that color and breathe in a calming color. I breathed out the flame orange pain and breathed in an island ocean blue. As I was breathing out that pain I reminded myself to let it go. I didn’t need to hold onto it to make it real. I could let it go and do my best to replace it with happy thoughts and memories. As I was sweating, I thought of all the toxins, physical and emotional, that were leaving my body and I was grateful.

Now for the new runners, here is the breakdown of my physical run. It’s seems to be a story of 8′s:

• First 8 minutes (1-8) – Piece of cake. I don’t even know where the time went
• Next 8 minutes (9-16) – I’m now thinking about the fact that I’m running and it’s hot, but it’s not too hard.
• Third 8 minutes (17-24) – Whew, I went a little further today then yesterday and yay it’s time to turn around and head back!
• Fourth 8 minutes (25-32) – Holy crap! When did this get so hard??? I just want to stop but I slow down to a jogging crawl.
• Last 8 minutes (33-40) – At this point, you’ve already run 32 minutes! Just think of it like the first 8. You can’t stop NOW!

I will say that at 37:30 I heard myself moan and I didn’t know whether I was going to hurl or cry. I swallowed my bile, kept up my slow shuffle and let the tears fill my eyes. Something about letting go made them not want to spill over onto my face. I stopped trying to control my sadness. It’s a real human emotion and I am a real human being. Some days I try hard not to be, but  I am only cheating myself and those who find beauty and wisdom in my vulnerability.

Today I was sad. I meditated, I went for a run and I am now sharing what’s in my heart.  I now leave the rest up to the Universe.

Blasting Away the Blues!

I called one of my friends a while back, when I was having a case of  the blues, to ask him how you get out of a funk. His short and sweet response (thanks Stephen) was, “Get out of the funk.” Now, he wasn’t being a smart behind. He was actually sharing sage wisdom. He was reminding me what I already knew. I had to be the one to change my mood. I was the only one responsible for my happiness.

I am often prescribing myself an attitude adjustment. I work hard to stay positive and accept responsibility for my situation in life, but it’s a skill that takes daily practice. Last night and into this morning, my skills were being thoroughly tested. I could tell because I was short on patience, had no interest in completing any tasks and I had a general sense of unease. My blues don’t last long. I’ve gotten pretty adept at allowing myself to wallow for a short period of time, shaking myself and getting it moving again.

As an entrepreneur in media production, you need to have a high tolerance for risk. As a single parent, you need to be willing to put someone else’s needs first and have an endless supply of energy and enthusiasm. Most days I manage, but it does catch up with me from time to time. Especially when I feel like things are not manifesting as quickly as I would like. I feel restless, like a caged tiger.

This is when I do the stuff that does not help me reach my goals. Some people would call it acting out.  In my house it looks like mindless snacking, internet surfing or giving into a long and unproductive pity party. When I’m taking care of myself emotionally, I’ll call a friend and share what’s going on or listen to a mediation podcast (one of my favorite sites is http://www.mythoughtcoach.com). Normally, I find those coping tactics helpful in managing my blues.

This morning when I woke up with the blues that lingered on from last night, I knew it was time for another attitude adjustment. Once I got my daughter off to school, I sat down with a stack of notes and began writing my first solo script. I’d been caught up in the cycle of fear and excuses. I had a great story about why I needed to find a writer to tell the story that was in my head. I had been unwilling to put it down and risk it being bad.

Getting the characters, dialogue and situations onto paper seemed to act like a balm on my frayed psyche. Will it be an Oscar-winning screenplay? Who knows, and for these purposes, who cares? By taking action, I am one step closer to my achieving one of my goals. Once I’d written 16 pages I headed out for my first jog/walk since Sunday’s 5k race. My body had no desire to cooperate. I managed to jog almost 14 minutes before I stopped. My legs and knee hurt so I walked the rest of the way home.

Getting moving wasn’t about being perfect or looking great. I didn’t even realize that my actions would help alleviate the blues (I might have done them sooner if I’d known), it was a nice side effect of getting my butt moving. It’s so easy to say, I want this or that. The challenge is breaking through the fear and resistance that often paralyze us in a lifestyle, one that might not be the one we desire.

Today I took a step closer to the lifestyle I envision…and it blasted my blues away. Next time you get a bout of the blues,try doing something in support of your hopes and dreams.

It might just do the trick.