Being True to You

I received a call last night that shocked me to my core. I won’t disclose the details of that call, but I will say that the caller was inserting herself into my private life uninvited. I was at a friend’s house having one last grown up “play date” before my daughter’s return. The caller, as far as I can tell, was a perfectly lovely elder who wanted to share her thoughts on the choices I was making in my life.

I sat on the phone stupefied, while trying to make the appropriate responses. The call was completely inappropriate and invasive. Did I mention that this woman was a stranger to me? After the call was over my friend said that I was too nice and that I handled it much better than she would have.

What went through my mind when I was on the phone was that I should try to put myself in this woman’s shoes.  Spending time with the women of Porches (our short oral history documentary) has clearly given me a deeper and more respectful appreciation for my elders. While listening to her I tried to imagine where she was coming from – a culture where it is not unusual for community members to insert themselves into others lives to avoid perceived wrong doing, a strong religious background and having lived over 80 years in a turbulent world.

Putting myself in her shoes didn’t make receiving the call any less ridiculous, shocking and completely inappropriate, but I guess when your convictions are strong you have to go with your heart. I shifted into a place of respect and gratitude for the compassion and love she was sharing and I did my best to hear what she was saying with an open heart. Listening with an open heart, however, has nothing to do with giving in to her desires.

The purpose of the call could only have been to pull my heart-strings and manipulate me into taking actions that would benefit others. I’m good for some charitable giving, but in this case I had to think about what was right for me. In this situation I had to stop, and as a grown woman assess my life, my past relationships and what I am willing to accept. Some doors are closed with good reason.

It really wasn’t even a consideration. I appreciated her wishing me the best in life, but I get to be true to me and decide what is best for me. My current situation can be seen as challenging.  The outside world will look on it as – I’m single with no serious prospects for a long-term relationship, under employed and fiscally challenged. My leadership and spirituality training teach me that the power of life and death are in the word and that what you focus on is what you attract into your life.

With that in mind I will claim the following – I have a wonderful life. One full of passion, abundance and love. I have an amazing man in my life who has an impeccable character, is strong, loving, generous and appreciates me for all that I am. My business is booming – I can choose the projects I work on and I am well compensated for my efforts. I breathe life and celebrate each moment. My family is happy, healthy and strong. We travel the world, improve our community and are able to bless those around us financially, spiritually and emotionally.

I have not heard the last of this mystery caller. She promised to call back. My goal will be to thank her for her kindness, listen with loving heart and kindly find a way to tell her that I choose loving me.

Dream Big and Execute!

I have lots of exploratory meetings with artists, entrepreneurs and people who have great ideas. I get excited about their passion and can often get onboard with their ideas. I see where it could potentially be successful, but there is a gap. The funding and access gap. My circle has been struggling artists. In this economy even the ones who are practicing their art professionally and getting paid for it are struggling.

In the last few weeks I’ve been given access to the other half. You know, the half that has funding and access to decision makers. How I got there is a whole lot of good Karma and blessings.  Seriously a case of being in the right place at the right time. Now it’s time for me to dream big. I’m often heard coaching my friends to think about what the perfect scenario would be and to go for it! It’s can be intimidating if you are not used to thinking like that.

It’s my turn to figure out what I want my business and projects to look like and execute on it. I think most of us ruminate about what we would do IF…Well, I believe I am at IF! I’m finding it scary and exhilarating. That doesn’t mean I’m going to back down, at least not consciously. I do realize that my subconscious can, and often wages war against my success.  I need to write out these next words so my mind will get out of its own way.

I now accept and appreciate the abundant life the Universe offers me  - Louise Hay.

Me and My Heart, We’ve Got Issues

There is a song called Issues by a group called the Saturdays. As I was sitting at my desk I received a message that made my stomach turn sour and my mood bottom out. Shortly after that Issues came on. I was struck by one of the lines in the chorus, “…me and my heart, we’ve got issues…” In that moment I realized how true that is my life.

I am an admitted softie. My uncle likes to joke that if I get into a fight I end up crying, after that I hit the other person. What he finds funny is that I am crying because I let the other person get me to the place where I resort to hitting them. Now, I no longer hit people out of anger, but when pushed to my limits I might lose my cool and say things that I regret. This happens incredibly infrequently because I understand the power of my words, that I can’t take them back once they are out and I work hard to stay in a healthy frame of mind where there is no need for this kind of exchange.

There is an ocean between that healthy place and my breaking point. In the midst of that ocean there are a lot of ugly feelings that I try to transcend or release. Sometimes they end up in the landfill, the convenient place my therapist discovered, where I push the stuff I don’t want to deal with, can’t deal with or just won’t deal with.

When I got that message earlier I realized that I still have a lot of feelings swimming around in that landfill. You see, when you have transcended a trauma or an event, you are able to look back and see it for what it was. When you shove something in the landfill every exposure has the ability to cause you pain or send you back to the originating event. I hate that I have given this person any power over even a split second of my happiness.

I wasn’t expecting the communication so I guess I didn’t have a chance to put up my natural defense mechanisms. What stinks is that I must have any defense mechanisms. The unfortunate reality is that there will always be people in some aspect of your life who are negative, nasty and downright dangerous. I surround myself with positive, loving and empowered people because that’s who I am. I don’t have the patience or tolerance for the negative, nasty or dangerous.

Now that the cloud of negative energy snuck in, it’s up to me to reboot my system, breathe and remember that I am safe and in control. My mind is powerful, but my heart has issues. Not in a romantic way, but in a way that once it has extended love there will always be an imprint. The challenge for me is to not change who I am because I was burned. I am supposed to be open, loving and risk-taking no matter what.

Inspiration Lives Here

Do you ever wonder where inspiration lives?  I’ve spent the last few weeks searching for it, running away from it and being shrouded in moments of joy and sadness. I don’t wake up every morning jumping from my bed on a quest to be inspired and to provide inspiration to others, but throughout the course of a day that’s just what happens.

I received a lovely message from a new friend who thanked me for sharing my experiences (you know who you are and I am grateful that you found me). She helped me understand that although I may feel alone on this journey, people are watching what I am doing and being inspired. It’s really a weird thing sometimes. I do what I do because I am moved towards it or I am avoiding a consequence.

I often think about if my actions will have a negative impact on people’s perception of me, my family or my business, but I don’t stop to wonder if they will inspire someone. I’m working to create original content that will inspire people to make positive changes in their lives and the lives of those in their surrounding communities. I guess I’m now understanding that inspiration starts with the air I breathe, with the actions I take or avoid every day.

This includes the food choices I make, the way my home is maintained, the positivity or negativity I spew on my social media sites. I know I’m responsible for the energy I carry around with me (thanks, Oprah) but I guess I didn’t consider how far-reaching it can be. When I am truly being 100% honest, and not limiting myself based on fear, I can tell that I am a powerful woman who is a force to be reckoned with. I have not even begun to access the ridiculous gifts I have within me.

I find it scary to admit that. I used to think that might come off as arrogance, but since I have not been prepared to own my gifts and make the most out of them, it’s hardly even recognized. I’ve coached friends that the world is waiting for them to step up and share their voices. Encouraged them to realize the blessings they are in an often weary world. As I go into a few days where I will need to step up and talk about myself, my business and my vision for my future, I offer myself that same coaching.

I get to speak up passionately about who I am, what I can do and what I have to offer this world. I get to understand that there are people waiting to hear my message and desperately seeking what I am selling. I don’t need to beg, borrow or steal. My greatness is unique and priceless. What I get to do is to refine my approach so I can line up with the abundant forces of the Universe, share my blessings far and wide, make a positive impact and be handsomely rewarded – financially, spiritually and emotionally.

Guess, what? You get to do all those things to. Why not join me?

Being Lonely is Being Strong

Ever notice that if you try to avoid something long enough, it all comes home to roost? Well, that’s me and men. I’ve been on my own for four years without any relationship of consequence. I’m surrounded by other divorcees who have also gone through a long period of time before they are able to get back out on the playing field. Usually, they are women.

I often wonder if guys take a relationship hiatus after big breakups. Most of the guys in my circles seem to leap-frog from one relationship to another, while the women take extended breaks. Many older women who divorce tell me that they will never remarry.  It’s just something I noticed in this latest phase of my life.

I was sharing with a friend that it’s much easier to connect with Joe Shmoe who could care less about me, than it is to sit at home being strong and lonely while waiting to meet Mr. Right. If I threw a stone I could hit dozens of single girlfriends looking for a “decent” guy. I know, I know…there are various debates about this exact issue. I had to dispel the myth that I was looking for Mr. Perfect the other day.

I don’t believe in Mr. Perfect. I do believe in Mr. Perfect for Me! I also believe that sometimes I just need to sit home and be lonely, even if that means my night ends in tears. It’s not a fun place to be, but it allows me to see the rarely viewed borders of my soul. Sometimes having the wrong man in your life can prevent you from seeing who you are and realizing your dreams. I think of it as hitting relationship bottom.

We all hear about the people who are afraid to be alone. They are always in a relationship, because being in one (even an unhealthy one) is more comfortable that being single. Being single definitely has its advantages, just like being in a relationship.  The trick for me, much like other areas of my life, is realizing that I am where I am supposed to be. I wasn’t supposed to be in a relationship over the last four years. I was healing my heart and finding my soul.

Now, I’m in a place where I can look at myself, my flaws, my needs and what I have to offer in a healthy way. I know what I’ll stand for and what is unacceptable. I’m still a total goofball when it comes to men, but I’m learning.  Being lonely isn’t the end of the world. It doesn’t feel very good, but I suppose it will help me be really grateful for the companionship when the right man comes along.

I recently realized that it’s actually harder to stay at home being lonely, than it is to go out and meet a man who won’t value my worth. I’m proud of myself for taking a stand for me, for accepting that I am a beautiful, intelligent, powerful and loving woman who deserves an amazing partner. I might slip up here and there, but for now I am cool with being alone. That is not to say that I want to be alone, it’s just that until Mr. Perfect for Me materializes I’ll find fun and exciting ways to invest in my growth.

Always a Mom

Today marks the end of my third week apart from my daughter. It’s been an interesting three weeks. As I look back and assess where I am at this moment, it can only be described as being adrift in the middle of the ocean. Gone are any false hopes that I will be able fill my days full enough that I will forget how much I miss her.

I once told her that my world doesn’t work without her. That’s still true in this moment. I’ve had some fun, gotten some rest, was able to work late and stay out well into the wee morning hours. I’ve only made 1 or 2 home cooked meals, dealt with no tantrums, wasn’t frustrated because she wasn’t listening to me or talking over me on a business call.

I also haven’t had any hugs, kisses, pictures, giggles, cuddles, ‘mommy you’re the best’s’ or ‘can we just have mommy and me time’ conversations either. This trip has made me realize so clearly that becoming a parent alters who you are. It’s not something you get to turn on and off, based on the geographic location of your child. I’m a mom, I will always be a mom and nothing I do will change that. In thirteen days I will wrap my arms around my little one once again and I will finally have both feet on solid ground.

I often joke that it only takes her 30 minutes to get me right back to frustrated parent dealing with a child who doesn’t listen. You’d think that after all that time away you’d have at least a two-week grace period before getting angry at your child’s behavior. That’s another fantasy. The reality is that she’ll be coming back to our home, with Mommy’s rules – which are much different from the rules at Daddy’s. There will be a painful readjustment period, but I can’t wait for it to begin.

My world is upside down right now. I’m doing the best that I can in her absence and I’m so grateful that this is just temporary.

Passion – Bursting at the Seams

Have you ever felt like you were about to burst at your seams?  I have this feeling often. It’s overwhelming and it’s usually in response to inspirational stimuli. If I had to describe the sensation, it might be like trying to hold a lit firecracker in the palm of your hands – squeezing tightly so no smoke, sparks or explosive elements could get out. It’s not a firecracker, it is passion. Passion and inspiration.

I know that I am incredibly blessed to be in place where I have access to my passion. It hasn’t always been that way. I don’t think I felt this at all when I was working in the corporate sector. I know I felt this all the time when I was on set working on the independent film No Boundaries. This is how I know I’m doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing.

The trouble? Making the shift from being impoverished to a financially self-sufficient artist. I do believe in the words of many spiritual teachers like, Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, who speak of living in an abundant universe. One that makes abundance available to each and every one of us. To some it may seem too good to be true. Not to me. I don’t doubt that my company will be hugely successful and that I will get my chance to have a substantial acting career, all of which will provide me with a great deal of wealth.

If I didn’t believe that I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed each day and put the time and effort in. I work each day, not just for my own success, but for that of every person who has ever believed in me, given me a word of encouragement, a moment of their time, provided feedback and especially for the amazing people who have worked on our projects because they believed in our vision. When you have people lifting you up towards success, there is an obligation to do well for everyone involved.

I probably spend more days feeling like a shrinking violet than an invincible tigress, but once that tigress is on the prowl…watch out! I woke up with a fire in my belly and a desire to go out and kick major tail! I wish I could bottle this feeling because I know it won’t last. It is one of the universal truths of my life. This too shall pass. My job is to make sure I do enough to make a huge and lasting impact while on top of this peak.

Anatomy of a Sad Run

Today I decided that instead of facing down sadness, I’d go for a run.  I’m still in 5K training mode. I have 9 more races to run by the end of the year so going out for a run is nothing unusual. It is unusual for me to leave the tv off and actively decide to start my day with meditation and running. I’m really glad I did.

I was laying in bed with tears running down my face, missing my little girl (1-1/2 weeks down, 3-1/2 weeks to go). I didn’t have to get up and the 5 hours of sleep I got was nowhere near enough, but my brain would not let me rest. I’ve done quite a bit of personal development work and I know that there are healthy coping mechanisms and self-destructive ones. Today I decided that being healthy was my priority.

It’s hot today, but probably not as hot as it’s going to be during some of my races so I got outside with my iPod. I usually listen to an energy meditation podcast before I begin my run. I love Stin Hansen’s work at http://www.mythoughtcoach.com. It’s a huge comfort when I am going through challenging times. Today I listened to Affirmations for Coping with a Crisis and particularly liked the following affirmations:

• It’s perfectly alright to feel sadness and hurt, these are normal human emotions.
• As I welcome comfort and peace, it will come. I am ready for comfort and peace now.
• I make sure my sources of help are constructive.
• The friends or  family members that I need most now rally around me. When they reach out, I let them in.
• I shun any destructive behaviors as a way of coping with this.
• My primary focus now is learning how to heal in the healthiest way possible.
• When it is time and when I am ready, I will transcend this. I will rise above the ashes.

While I jogged I remembered to focus on my breathing and used an exercise I learned long ago. It calls for you to visualize your pain or anxiety and give it a color. You then breathe out that color and breathe in a calming color. I breathed out the flame orange pain and breathed in an island ocean blue. As I was breathing out that pain I reminded myself to let it go. I didn’t need to hold onto it to make it real. I could let it go and do my best to replace it with happy thoughts and memories. As I was sweating, I thought of all the toxins, physical and emotional, that were leaving my body and I was grateful.

Now for the new runners, here is the breakdown of my physical run. It’s seems to be a story of 8′s:

• First 8 minutes (1-8) – Piece of cake. I don’t even know where the time went
• Next 8 minutes (9-16) – I’m now thinking about the fact that I’m running and it’s hot, but it’s not too hard.
• Third 8 minutes (17-24) – Whew, I went a little further today then yesterday and yay it’s time to turn around and head back!
• Fourth 8 minutes (25-32) – Holy crap! When did this get so hard??? I just want to stop but I slow down to a jogging crawl.
• Last 8 minutes (33-40) – At this point, you’ve already run 32 minutes! Just think of it like the first 8. You can’t stop NOW!

I will say that at 37:30 I heard myself moan and I didn’t know whether I was going to hurl or cry. I swallowed my bile, kept up my slow shuffle and let the tears fill my eyes. Something about letting go made them not want to spill over onto my face. I stopped trying to control my sadness. It’s a real human emotion and I am a real human being. Some days I try hard not to be, but  I am only cheating myself and those who find beauty and wisdom in my vulnerability.

Today I was sad. I meditated, I went for a run and I am now sharing what’s in my heart.  I now leave the rest up to the Universe.

Emotional Exhaustion

The last few weeks have been full of ups and downs, with the last few days having the largest peaks and valleys. I realize that I am emotionally exhausted. When you’re physically exhausted, you rest. I’m not quite sure what you do when it’s emotional exhaustion. Maybe you give your emotions a break? Much easier said than done.

I realize that I took a lot of risks this past week. I might have been better served if I had spread them out over a few weeks, but it seems like once I got going I just didn’t stop. Like anything else, the more risks I take the better I will get at handling them.  I’ve taken huge strides and I am proud of myself, but I have to find a way to release the residual effects left behind by a week of anxiety provoking events.

I had a good laugh with my friend tonight about the fact that my life isn’t boring. Nope. It really isn’t. I never know what the next day is going to bring. I might be in Philadelphia, or asked to go to New York, it could be an audition for a major motion picture like Law Abiding Citizen, or a meeting that could lead to a lucrative contract.

Over the last few years I’ve taught myself to go with the flow. I believe that if an opportunity is being presented to me than there will be the resources and ability to make it a reality. Sometimes it’s a challenge to get all the pieces to line up. This latest series of opportunities have been in areas where I have had great resistance, such as dating. It’s funny how sometimes life takes things out of your hands and takes you down an unexpected path…that is if you are willing to follow.

My goal is to get a good night’s sleep.  I’m hopeful that sleep, a jog and a meditation session will be the answer to this emotional exhaustion.  I think it’s time I slow it down and take a minute to take care of my mind, body and spirit.

 

Breathing Through Fear

My friend called me this morning full of fear. She got some AMAZING news and a huge door opened for her. She said she thought she might pee herself. Yup, that’s a big old dose of fear. It’s ironic. We ask for things, actually most times we beg and pray for them. Once they begin to happen many of us have one foot out the door, heading in the opposite direction. Success is scary. Achieving your wildest dreams can be terrifying.

On a much smaller scale, today I am facing one of my fears. I couldn’t sleep last night and spent the morning with my stomach tied in knots. It’s hard for me to clearly express what’s going on. Maybe that’s why I’m having the physical symptoms of stress and anxiety. As my friend and I spoke this morning I coached her on breathing through the fear. People that tell you not to be afraid, clearly don’t recall what it feels like to be afraid.

When you are scared, there is no switch to turn it on and off. What you can do is breathe, and know that eventually the sensations will pass. It’s that “eventually” that’s the problem. Sitting in the puddle of anxiety can be debilitating.  When I’m there I pick up coping mechanisms that don’t serve my interests. Sometimes it’s eating when I’m not hungry, it could be mindless internet surfing and when dealing with people it can look like me shutting down.

I’m learning that fear is just an obstacle put up to see how badly I want something.  There have been many occasions when I have turned around at the first sign of that hurdle. Now that I know that I can be scared and do something anyway, I just try to breathe through my fear. If you ever see me standing around like a deer in headlights, it might just be that I am breathing and trying to adjust so I can jump that next hurdle.