I missed her, sent her love and light and then I dropped it.

Day 1 without my peanut and I survived. Only got weepy one time today, and didn’t let any of the tears actually spill. That’s impressive. Right? I promised myself that as I experienced the ups and downs of the 5 week separation from my daughter, I would be grateful each time I benefitted from her being with her father.

Today I had an audition at 4:40 pm in Manhattan. On a normal day I would never be able to make it home to pick my daughter up from after care. When this happens, I usually have to call in a favor to get coverage. My friends are terrific and it’s never a problem, but knowing that today she was with family while I worked made me feel a little bit better.

Several times today I started to call her to see how she was doing at her dad’s house. I stopped myself each time. I’m not sure why, but I just knew that calling her would have upended the routine she’s starting to build at her other home. I worry about everything. I worry if she’s happy, I worry if she’s homesick, I worry if she was able to fall asleep last night, or had a tummy ache today and if she’s feeling secure and having fun or if she’s sad and crying.

That’s what I do as a mom, I worry about the big stuff and the teeny tiny things. It made me think of the movie Eat Pray Love when Richard gives Liz this advice about her ex-boyfriend David, “So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it.” Richard goes on to share wisdom about what Liz will be capable of manifesting should she free up all this space she’s using to obsess about a guy.

It’s a loose translation, but it works. If I only obsess about my daughter for the next 5 weeks then I have wasted time and energy. I will think of her many moments of every day. My heart will ache with missing her, but I will do my best to miss her, send her love and light and then drop it. If I can do that, then maybe I will be able to manifest some amazing gifts in the space I open up.

The ache will be there whether I obsess about her needs being met or not, so I choose not. Mommy loves you little one.  Sweet dreams.

Dropping Off My Heart

It’s D-Day. For me that’s drop off day. The day I drive my daughter to the airport so she can go spend five weeks with her father. FIVE WEEKS! It seems to be an impossible length of time. She’s spent the last year with me and now she’ll be away for five weeks. Some people think this must be the coolest thing that could ever happen to a single parent. All the sudden you get weeks of free time to do whatever you want! Score! Right?

Not quite so. There are benefits to some time off. I will get a chance to recharge my batteries and I’ll be able to do things I might not try if she were here. The double edged sword of it all, is that dropping her off is like dropping off my heart. When she leaves the world dims. Things just don’t seem right anymore. It’s takes an extra effort just to get out of bed, or to even care about the things that previously excited me.

Do I go through a mini state of depression? Absolutely. Do I cry? Hell yes! I do my best to send her off happily because she deserves this time with her dad. It’s been hard enough for her not to have him around. She needs to know that he loves her and to be the center of someone else’s world for a change. I know that I can’t be her everything, nor should I be. I do the best that I can to fill in for all of her needs in his day to day absence. It’s NEVER enough.

My kid is like any other child. She wants us to get back together and live as one happy family. It’s not going to happen. The best I can offer her is to be supportive of  her getting the love she needs from her dad. When she goes away I practice getting the love I need for myself. That means taking good care of me – exercising, eating right, resting, meditating and playing. It’s an effort, because right now all I want to do is curl up in the corner and cry.

This is my third year dropping off my heart. It hasn’t gotten any easier. Each year I’ve wished there would be someone to catch me after she happily skips away with her father, and I begin my fall. Instead I drive alone on the airport roads to my exit, hoping the tears don’t get so bad that I need to pull over.

I drive home or wherever I’m going and do my best to craft the appropriate responses to people’s inquiries. I don’t think they want to hear how deeply my heart is broken.  They definitely don’t want to see the raw wound that’s ravaging my heart. I don’t even want to see it! I start to pick up the pieces. I know and I’m grateful that this is temporary heartbreak, that my little girl will come home. The fatalistic side of me wonders what could happen while she’s gone, but I quickly replace that with the image of her running back into my arms five weeks from today!

I realize I’m not in control. I can’t control anything that happens to her while she’s away. I can only control how I respond to it. It’s the lesson I work to teach her every day, but it’s much harder to apply now. Who’s going to kiss her boo boos, is her dad going to pick up on her emotional nuances, what will he do to manage her homesickness, how will he reassure her when she thinks that she’s not enough and how will I cope when she calls crying – as she always does.

I don’t have all the answers. I have a lot of tears, some shed and some waiting in the wings. I’m going to breathe, get ready and take her to see her dad. I’ll be a grown up about it and I’ll handle all the questions that come up on the long ride to the airport. I’ve already handled most of the tough ones like, “What if I don’t know what daddy looks like?” There goes another crack in my heart. I guess when you’re just six and haven’t seen your dad for a year, that’s a legitimate concern. I promised her that I’d help her find her daddy and I promised myself that I wouldn’t cry until she’s out of sight.

Time to see what I’m really made of.

Things Fall Apart

I can’t recall much about the book, Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe, other than I read it in High School and the title often comes to me when things start going south. Yesterday I was wondering why I seem to repeat the cycle of things falling apart in my life. I don’t mean the stuff we can’t control. I mean the stuff that I let slip through the cracks because my focus is elsewhere.

The funny thing is that this happens on the personal side, not so much on the business side. Why? Because the business is often my highest priority. As a start-up, I find it’s harder to get the resources you need to get the job done. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe when I have all the resources at my fingertips it will still be hard, or maybe even harder than it is now.

One of the most challenging things about being a single mom and entrepreneur is all the stuff that has to get done. I realize that once I am out of organizational control I can forget about managing all the little pieces. It’s not worth kicking myself. The deed is already done. The best I can hope for is that in another few months I am NOT pondering how I let something slip through the cracks.

I used to laugh at my mom’s rigid nature when it came to housework. She couldn’t go to bed with dirty dishes in the sink, or without putting out the trash at night. She also still gets all of her clothes ready for the week on Sunday – she picks out her outfits, irons them and lays them out neatly so they are ready to go each morning. It seemed funny at the time, but I bet her stuff doesn’t fall through the cracks.

I get that the key is to manage my “stuff” regardless of the fires that are flaring up personally and professionally. It’s a skill I would be wise to develop. When I get to that point I will acquisition the title of Zen Master of Stuff! Trouble is, I’ve got another 60 years or so before I qualify to have any title including the words “Zen Master ” so I’d better get cracking.

“I Learned About SPERM When I Was 6!”

I guess it’s only fitting that I had a huge rite of passage on Father’s Day. If my ex-husband were here I definitely would have called in reinforcements when my daughter began asking how babies were made. She asked that question when she was four and I was SO not ready to answer. I wasn’t ready to answer tonight either, but thankfully we were in the car at night and she was in the backseat. Something about her not having to see my face as I cringed at each question and tried to keep breathing through the answers made it all easier.

My kid is really smart, so I didn’t think the stork answer would work. Believe me, if I thought I could sell that one I probably would have for the next dozen years. I am concerned that her friends will get to her first if I don’t have, “the talk.” I had to keep telling myself to stop calling it, “the talk” or “the conversation!” OH, there were so many bad moments in that conversation! What surprised me was that there were a few moments when we were both reduced to giggles.

One of my favorite/least favorite moments was when she asked me how we made her. SIGH! I don’t really believe there is any having the birds and the bees conversation halfway. It was all or nothing. For me, that meant keeping it in the context of procreation, not recreation! What was cringe worthy was when she asked about pulling down underpants halfway or a quarter of the way to accomplish the transfer of the sperm to the egg. Her asking “where” it happened didn’t help either.

I never thought of it from her perspective. I think that’s where the giggles came in. When she seemed amazed that her father and I had pulled down our underpants and revealed our “privates” to each other,  it was hilarious. I believe her exact response was that it was weird and disgusting! I wish I could remember all of the moments in the conversation.

I will definitely remember that upon beginning to tell her that this was not a conversation to have with her friends, she said, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, privacy…privacy!” I couldn’t help but crack up. She asked when she’d be able to talk about it with her friends, to which I replied around high school. My little imp gleefully piped up, “I’ll shout out that I learned about sperm when I was 6!!”

Of course I am horrified that the explanation might not be enough to satisfy her curiosity. When she asked if one of the boys in her class had sperm, I almost died. Tomorrow we are going right to the bookstore to buy an age appropriate book about reproduction! This is one conversation where I need all the professional help I can get. I know it would be foolish to believe that it is over now. I’m sure this is just the beginning.

I said the words sperm, egg, penis and vagina and I did not die. Good job, Mommy!

I found a link that might provide helpful if you are in a similar situation http://www.webmd.com/sex/features/when-to-talk-to-your-child-about-sex

 

Saturday Night Party

It’s funny how your perspective can shift based on your surroundings and situation. Tonight I was so thrilled to walk in my door at 10:30 pm.  Most Saturday nights I’m bummed that I’m home with no plans at 10:30 pm.  We had a day full of fun with our friends but it felt like I was walking through a haze. Last night’s six hours of sleep were clearly not enough.

Someway, somehow I am going to have to learn to handle my stress in a way that incorporates rest and relaxation. It’s not like I don’t have any resources or knowledge about these things! I have a Qi Gong for Stress Relief video. When I actually do the tape I feel very relaxed and sleep pretty well. Knowing that, you’d think I would do it each night before bed.  Perhaps tonight I will.

For the last few days my head has felt like it’s a huge pile of mush. A few balls were put into play this week and I am still throwing them up in the air trying to get into a rhythm. I’ve managed to address the stress of the unknown by offering my worries up.  Now I just need to write down all of the other stuff that’s clogging up my brain and step by step manage what I can.

This week will be a challenge, but I have what it takes to handle whatever comes along. So do you.

Work/Life Balance – Sometimes.

My head is blur. I’m tired from a few days of running around, but I don’t think that’s it. I had an audition in New York yesterday and stayed up in the city to catch a friend’s play. I know I’m getting too old to get in at 2 am, just to be woken up by my child at 8 am. Six hours of sleep usually is plenty, but today it might as well have been two hours. My body feels like it’s been hit by a train.

I fell asleep on the couch while coloring with my daughter this afternoon, only to be woken up by a Charlie horse (painful cramp in my leg.) I have a blister on the ball of my foot from walking around New York yesterday in the wrong shoes, so I’ve been limping around all day. It’s pretty pitiful. As a matter of fact it’s almost midnight so I’ve got to get some sleep tonight.

What am I supposed to be doing? Writing this blog post, but I’m also supposed to be prepping for another last-minute audition tomorrow. Normally last-minute auditions don’t faze me, but school is out and my daughter is home all day. Now it begins the balancing act of getting to my meetings and auditions while making sure she is having a good time.

I blocked out next week as vacation so I could spend it with her before she left for her long visit with her dad. I already have an audition for Monday, an important call scheduled for Wednesday, and a lot of prep work to do before Wednesday for that call. This is the life of a mompreneur. I will have to weigh each opportunity and make work/life balance a priority.

Once I get through here, I’ll check my email for the details on tomorrow’s audition and look over the script and wardrobe requirements. I’ve already scheduled a play date with an out-of-town friend. Now I have to ask her to rearrange transportation so I can hit my audition before we take the kids out to play. Am I complaining? I hope not. It’s just part of the zaniness of my life.

It’ll all come together, one way or another.

Breakthroughs!!!!

I’m vibrating with excitement. This week I’ve had a HUGE breakthrough. No matter what comes of it, this moment is one for me to remember forever! I had been set in my ways for so long, but thankfully a few beautiful women stayed on me and gave me a few good nudges in the opposite direction (thank you Darralynn, Nina & Chipo)! Actually, they gave me a few upper cuts of encouragement, empowerment and an occasional reality check.

I wish I could say that I am trained to have breakthroughs on my own. I guess I have had a few, but it’s like having a personal trainer. When I am working out with a trainer I work much harder. When I have accountability partners I am pushed to new heights. Well the work I’ve been doing from the last few months has begun to pay off.

One of the things I have hated is cold calling. As an entrepreneur it’s just something I have to do. I used to defer it to my business partner, but now it’s something I HAVE to do. Seasoned sales people with tell you that it’s just part of the game. Some even love the excitement of the possibilities on the other side of that phone. Me? All I could think about was the rejection.

I had a coaching call with a friend today.  I told him that he was already projecting failure before he had reached the starting line. I guess I was really talking to myself!  The funny thing about knowledge is that you can have  a lot of it and do nothing with it.  I won’t spend a lot of time pondering why I’ve spent so much time spinning my wheels. I’ll acknowledge it, shake my head at the wasted time and use my new knowledge to create more breakthroughs.

The Power of Vulnerability

The next two weeks are going to be really tough for me. I’m approaching the time of year where I pack up my baby girl and send her to see her father who lives out-of-state. She’ll be gone for over a month. It’s like my heart has a gaping hole in it. People always say that they’d love to have a break from their kids. I agree to an extent. With a long break like this you don’t have to deal with bad behavior, discipline or neediness, but you also miss out on the smiles, hugs, kisses and everything else that makes parenting so amazing.

I joke that I spend half of her visit crying, but it’s probably pretty close to the truth. I find it incredibly difficult to be around my friends with kids when she’s gone. It’s like pouring salt on an open wound. My friends are so sweet and I think they believe that surrogate love is comparable to my daughter’s love. I am appreciative that they don’t let me curl up in a ball and stay put through her entire trip, but nothing fills the void. Nothing is supposed to. My daughter has a unique essence that is all her own and the world seems like it’s upside down until she gets back.

The tricky part about this is that once again, it’s not about me. This trip is about meeting my daughter’s needs. She needs to know that she has a father who loves her and she deserves to spend time with his side of the family.  As much as I want to be able to be her everything, I realize that there will be benefits in her going on her trip (as long as the other household is a positive and healthy environment).

It’s hard to write this without crying.  This is where I remind myself about the power of being vulnerable and of sharing my story. I realize that there are millions of other parents also going through this same struggle. Somehow knowing that you are not alone makes it a little easier to tolerate. Not less painful, but easier to tolerate. I will do my best to fill my time with activities I can’t do when she’s here. I’ll spend many evenings out because I won’t have to worry about daycare pick up or the cost of a baby sitter. I’ll have fun, get rest and count every single second until she’s back in my arms.

This is my third summer sending her away. It never gets easier and I bet it never will. Maybe this is preparation for sending her off to college. That’s just my way of finding a silver lining.

Putting Our Kids First

I work hard not to say anything negative about my ex-husband. I believe that if I even think negative thoughts about him a few things will happen:

1. My thoughts will turn into energy, which may turn into negative actions.
2. My daughter will somehow pick up on this energy and it will hurt her (My daughter deserves to believe that the sun shines out of both of her parents behinds.)
3. Putting any energy into negative thoughts about him (or anyone else), limits my ability to direct my energy into positive thoughts which may then turn into positive actions.

One of the saddest things I’ve seen is when parents engage in bashing each other.  It’s particularly tough when the children are exposed to it. Our kids want to feel safe and secure. They want to know that above everything else we love them and that we will always be there for them. They also love us and never want to hear anyone say bad things about us.  For that reason it pains me when I see parents who have difficulty putting their kids first.

I know I’m not the first to say it, nor will I be the last. When we bad mouth each other it is a lose/lose situation. My daughter deserves to have a life free from the drama of my failed marriage and subsequent divorce. Life is rough enough without adding a mess of pain, insecurity and fear into her heart. It doesn’t matter how I feel about my ex, it matters how she feels about him. As long as I have my way, I will support her in believing that she has the best father in the entire world.

Her happiness and security are what’s important and in that respect, it’s not about me.

Be The Village

Are you part of someone’s village? I speak about my village often and I’m incredibly grateful that they are there. The last few days I’ve been getting a chance to reciprocate. It can be challenging at times, but I’m sure it was challenging for my friends when I called in my favors. What cracks me up is when people tell me I have no idea how thankful they are that I was there for them. Do they not know about my life?

In case you don’t, I am a single mom who is an actress and independent producer. You can check me out at http://www.tatianastphard.com and http://www.stlewisproductions.com. I often forget that some of you don’t know me or know about what could be construed as a crazy life. The down side of being an actor is that, if you are lucky, you are often called for last-minute auditions or have long workdays.

My village members know that I might call and ask them to do school pick up the very next day because I have to be in NY for an audition. They are so cool. They don’t even blink anymore. Sometimes they’ll ask what the job is for, but they are almost always down for a pick up. It’s common for me to have a call time (when I need to be on set) of 6:30 am. When child care doesn’t open until 7 am that can be problematic.

I remember this beautiful woman, Justine, who worked the morning shift with us at my old job in NY. We had to be in the briefing room at 5 am.  I wasn’t a mom at the time, but I recall she would wake up her son at 3:30 in the morning and take him to her babysitter so he could at least sleep at home. I can’t imagine fighting that battle most mornings and how tired she must have been, yet she was always there and her son was a well-behaved young boy with outstanding grades.

It makes me even more thankful that I’ve only had to drag my little girl out of bed a handful of times to go to work.  I get how difficult raising a child alone can be. It’s really hard even if you have two active parents! I appreciate being a trusted member of the village for my friends.  When I step up for them, it lets me show them how much I appreciate them and allows me to offer them my support.

It’s really easy to give of yourself when it’s on your own terms, but are you a member of someone’s village. Are you there to answer the call when it’s inconvenient or when you don’t feel like it? Some days I’m the #1 village member – ready to serve, other times I’m the reluctant reciprocator. No matter what, I have the opportunity to continue being a strong participatory member of my friend’s village. It means they trust me with their treasures, which is an honor and a privilege.