Staying Present in the Moment

My baby girl turns 6 this week. The school year is coming to a close, I have to get my place in order for her birthday party, my workload has increased and I am still struggling to get all of my workouts in. I’m beginning to feel the pressure of the impending birthday activities. This year I had to tell my little one that a party at Chuck E Cheese or Bounce U was just not in the budget. We’ve talked about budgets a lot this year.

This was a difficult conversation for me because she had been looking forward to a party with her classmates all year.  What amazed me was her capacity to understand the situation and be open to finding joy in an alternate solution. We decided that instead of a big party, we would celebrate by having special mommy and me time (thank you Tanisha for the suggestion).  Looks like we’ll be going out for a manicure/pedicure or painting pottery – two things that have also not been in the budget.

We’ve had our share of financial ups and downs over the last few years, more downs than ups. My daughter is remarkable. As much as she asks for stuff like any other kid, she usually doesn’t want to burden me by having tantrums when I say we can’t afford something. I also make a point to let her know that if money weren’t an issue, I wouldn’t buy her everything she wanted. We talk about how money doesn’t buy happiness and that if she had all the toys in the world she wouldn’t appreciate them. Some days are better than others.

We agreed that instead of a big party, she could bring cupcakes into her school programs (to cover both programs we’re talking 60 cupcakes). Over the weekend she saw pink cupcakes that were decorated with handbags, high-heeled shoes and make up. This morning she asked if she could bring the “fashionista cupcakes” to school. I told her that they were too expensive because we needed a lot. As is typical with my little one, she asked if she could use her own money to buy them. This is always when my heart aches a little and my resolve weakens.

What do you say to that? It’s not like she has a lot of money, but she’s willing to cash in her piggy bank so she can have her cupcakes for her birthday.  I asked her if she’d rather have the cupcakes or a present from me because I couldn’t do both. Not surprisingly her answer was that she wanted a present. I used to feel badly about making her choose, but I have come to realize that it’s the only way I can determine how important something is to her.

I will get her one set of fashionista cupcakes for one of her classes, but the other class is getting the run of the mill mini cupcakes. As I strive to find balance this week, generate revenue and plan a party she will love, I will remind myself to stay present in each moment. My little girl will never be 5 again. That’s it. Poof. It’s gone. What’s left is the twinkle in her eye and the sparkle in her smile…if I am open, watching and waiting for the magical moment.

 

Poised on the Edge

Every now and then I look up and realize the bold steps I’ve taken. When I do, it usually scares the stuffing out of me! I am an adventurer in training. It’s hard for some to believe but my authentic personality is much more of a shrinking violet than flame lily.

Tonight, as I sit poised on the edge, I looked up and got a scare. I can only imagine it would be like sitting on the lip of the Grand Canyon looking down. I have low-grade anxiety coursing through my soul. The cause? Fear! I’ve been out there hustling. Making cold calls and contacting people in positions of power about my products and services. This is EXACTLY what I need to do to be successful in business, but it’s diametrically opposed to what I am comfortable doing.

The first step is the call, but what happens when they call back? I freak myself out about the million little what if’s. It’s never as bad as I imagine it to be. As a matter of fact, usually the experience is inspiring and positive – even if I am receiving negative feedback. It’s like I’m getting good at jumping off the ledge and I’ve been great at retreating from it. The one thing I need to master is standing here, poised on the edge, waiting for the boomerang I threw to come back to me.

If I’m honest it’s, “What if they don’t like me, what if they laugh at me, what if they say I don’t belong here, what if I don’t know the answers, what if I make a fool out of myself?” Somewhere during my formative years, I learned that looking like a fool was the end of the world. I’ve done everything I can to avoid looking like a fool and in turn have become very foolish.

I believe in the products I have to offer. I believe that they will have a positive impact on the people they touch, and that my company will ultimately be one that creates jobs and makes a difference in my community. If I know all of the good that could be done with support, why not run outside and sing my praises to the rooftops? That’s the disconnect, the gap. That’s the space I get to live in for the next few weeks, months or years until I breakthrough and begin to value myself and the work that I am doing.

I have moments of promise. Ones where I accurately and confidently sell myself and my dreams. Then I usually retreat into the corner and pray that no one will look at me. Somewhere, some way there has to be a balance of those needs. The need to do the work I love and generate a healthy wage for it, and the need to hide in the corner and become invisible. I don’t think there will ever come a time when I feel 100% confident about who I am and what I have to offer this world, but I can dedicate myself 100% to my growth in that direction.

My mantra for the day: I open my heart to the blessings of the Universe and I share my unique gifts and talents with the world.
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Great Job, Mommy!

I hope to never forget the sunlight in my daughter’s eyes today when she said, “Great job, Mommy!”  We had just ridden the roller coaster at Sesame Place after a day full of rides and fun. What made this ride so special was that mommy was sitting next to her, riding with her. A few weeks ago we went with friends but I begged off the roller coaster under the pretense that I was afraid I’d get sick on the ride.

My little white lie to my daughter was based in fact. I had gotten sick in high school on the Round Up at a local carnival and the Tea Cups at Disney World. Slightly embarrassing, but not the reason I’ve avoided rides like the plague. I used to love rides. My buddy and I would ride them all day long when we were kids at carnivals like the June Fete.

My entry into the amusement park club came to a screeching halt one day at Great Adventure when, after waiting in a very long line, I couldn’t fit into the Batman ride. That embarrassing moment stayed with me long enough to keep me from rides for many years. This year my daughter is old enough to begin her legacy of really experiencing amusement rides, but she needs a companion. In the past, I’ve pawned that responsibility off on anyone I could.

Today my friend kindly filled in for me today as I once again dodged my co-riding responsibilities. Her two-year old daughter, however, wanted no part of sharing her mom. I sized up the other riders and saw a few of comparable size successfully getting on the ride, so I ushered my little one into the waiting car before she knew what was happening. At first she was confused, then excited and finally scared that I would throw up on her during the ride.

Her excitement won out. I told her that she’d have to help me not be so scared since she’d been on this ride a bunch of times. The ride was a bit scary for me. Hey. I’m out of practice. The pot of gold at the end the ride was the look on my baby’s face. She hugged me tightly and peppered me with a string of glowing compliments, “Great job, Mommy! I’m so proud of you! You are the best mommy in the whole world! I love you!”

Today I was a hero. It might not seem like much, but to her it was the world. I can’t fit into most of the rides at Sesame Place, but today was great motivation to keep moving forward on my journey to health and wellness.  I want to be there for my daughter – for the roller coaster rides, the graduations, the first kiss, the wedding, whatever’s coming down the pike.

Having a Great Time

It’s late, I’m sleepy but I had a ball. Tonight I got a chance to kick back and relax with friends. I’d forgotten how good nights like this were for my soul.

Aging Flawlessly

As the youngest of my older brothers turns 40 today, it makes me think about the new age demographic I will be joining in a few years. My younger guy friend asked me how I felt about turning 40. I told him that it didn’t bother me since I hear that’s when women are in their prime. I also said that by 40 I hope that I will be financially fabulous (not having money woes because all of my bills are paid, I am debt free, have a hefty, healthy and diverse investment portfolio and my family is all financially free as well) and doing what I love as a career.

To tell the truth, my 30′s have been pretty hellish. If anything they are teaching me how to navigate life’s ups and downs with grace and acceptance. I’m still a pupil at Life’s Let it Flow Academy, but I’m at least a sophomore.  One of the things I’ve come to terms with is that I can’t turn back the clock, and that I don’t want to. I have a finite amount of time on this Earth in this body. The way I skid into the casket at the end will be an indication of the life I lived. I’ve already aged myself from years of obesity, but I am working on reversing those effects.

I know stress is a silent killer which ages you prematurely. I’m doing what I can to flow like water. Stuff happens. My goal is to take that stuff and learn from it without letting it steal my power. The episode with the lice was a killer, but once I turned the corner I promised myself that I would take what I learned and make a difference in someone else’s life. I truly believe that I had to live through it to be able to be in contribution to others.

That’s what I’m learning about life. If I am blessed enough to wake up, there will be a series of obstacles that will challenge me and a series of things that will delight me. Neither is good nor bad, it just is – and the important thing is what I make of each moment. Letting go of trying to control every obstacle in my life allows me to go with the flow, listen, learn and embrace life.

Aging flawlessly means not wasting time worrying about each new gray hair, dark spot, added pound or wrinkle. I look upon them as wisdom badges. Each one tells me a little bit more about who I am, how I’m flowing in life and what adjustments I can make to be the healthiest in mind, body and spirit. I am supposed to get older and eventually die. That’s just the way it works. I won’t fight against it, I will flow with it…going as flawlessly as possible.

Your Dog Won’t Meow, So Stop Waiting.

I had a conversation with a friend who was bemoaning her parent’s flaws. This is a conversation we have often. So much so that she says, “I know, I know. They’re not going to change.”  That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. If we just pay attention people will tell us exactly who they are and how they are going to operate in this world, regardless of your wishes. People can change, but they often won’t.  It’s like asking your dog to meow. The crime is when we waste our energy waiting on them to change and even worse, griping about why they won’t.

I caught myself doing it a few minutes ago. It is pointless to waste time, brain cells and energy wondering why a person won’t do what you would do or what you want them to do. The best we can do is accept that they are who they are, and love them or let them go (my preference is to love them). It can be incredibly challenging to accept, especially when you have a vested interest. When it’s your family, spouse, parent of your child, best friend or someone who could positively impact your life but doesn’t, it becomes personal.

The problem with getting caught up in the “why not” and “how could they” is that we miss what they are bringing to the table.  We may not be tuned into the blessing they are providing.  I might sit as judge and jury and decide that you are not doing enough to satisfy other’s needs, or more likely, my own needs. Well, I guess the question is, who am I to make that determination? I guess it goes back to the famous quote about he who has no sin casting the first stone.

I am full of sin, wrongs, flaws (whatever you want to call it) so how can I judge someone else’s actions. It’s oh so tempting. Of course, I do get caught up in judging others. It’s something I’m working on. Instead of judging someone else as unfit, incompetent or lacking, it is my responsibility to look inward and see where I need improvement. It will take the rest of my life to make me a better person, which means I’ll have no time to fix or change anyone else.

Spinning Again

Do you ever wake up knowing that you’re in trouble before your feet even hit the ground? That’s today. I haven’t gotten out of bed yet, I didn’t get enough sleep and I’m thinking about the day ahead. Today is a day where there are not enough hours to squeeze in all that I have to do. I’m back to the sensation of the performer spinning plates. I predict a few broken plates today. I’m not being negative, I’m being practical.

Days like today leave no room for error. I need to get my daughter off to school (while being a loving and patient mom), get out for my first real 5K training run since the race (which occurred over a week ago), fit about 10 hours of work into 2 hours time, attend a job fair (because something’s got to pay the bills), make dinner and then somehow split myself and my daughter in two so we can attend two school events being held at the same time at different locations.

After I excel at all of that I can come home and catch up on the laundry that got neglected over the weekend, put some time into writing my business plan, scour the web for freelance blogging opportunities and then sigh while I look at my messy place. I pray in the process no one calls with any crisis, that my daughter is happy and cooperative and that my spirit enjoys today’s obstacle course offerings. This is the kind of day I get to remind myself that life is precious.

Yes, life is precious. So while I am zipping through task after task or begging my daughter to listen so I can keep moving and achieve my goals, I also have to use at least one nostril to smell life’s bouquet. If this is it and we only get one pass at each day, I get to find the beauty and majesty in each moment. I will not run around like a crazed zombie. I will be focused, driven and open to any opportunities that might present themselves.

Do Something!

Last night I watched part one of Oprah’s farewell celebration. As her celebrity guests recounted her accolades over her 25 years with The Oprah Winfrey Show, they also shared some amazing work being done in her name by corporations like Target. I won’t spoil it if you haven’t seen the episode yet.  What struck me as I watched, was how one woman did so much by just doing something.

I’m not sure Oprah saw her 25th anniversary celebration in her future when she went on her first meetings about hosting the show. I’d venture a guess that it was a gradual evolution of the woman we see today. I think sometimes people get caught up in the “how” of making a difference. They know they want to make a change in their personal lives or in the world, but they get paralyzed in the process of  executing the action steps.

I know of what I speak, because I used to live in action step paralysis land. I resided there as recently as yesterday. What I fail to realize when I get caught up in my fears and insecurities, is that I am blocking someone else’s blessings. I believe each of us was put on this planet for a purpose.  I realize that if I just do something, something in pursuit of my passion and my vision – I might align with someone who is desperately looking for me and the work that I do.

In the clips that were played back, a little boy was desperately asking for something. Thank goodness he got what he was asking for…lots of it. The thing is that Oprah didn’t give it to the boy. By virtue of her being who she is and doing the work she does, this little boy got just what he wanted and needed.

Sometimes it’s not about what we do, sometimes it’s what others do because of the impact we have on them.

So even if you can only do a little bit, do something.

Parenting – You Will Fail and it Will Be UGLY!

I find it amusing that as soon as a couple gets married there are tons of well wishers wondering when they are going to start a family. I’ll admit it. I’ve been guilty of doing the same thing, many times. It just seems to be a cultural norm. These days I’m found encouraging couples to take time to get to know themselves first and to accomplish a few big goals before starting a family. Just my personal opinion because kids change everything!

Here are 10 things those lovely well wishers don’t tell you about parenting:

1. Some days you won’t like your children. You will always love them, but there will be the days where liking them will be a challenge. One day my baby girl will read this so – Honey, mommy loves you. I always have and I always will, but this morning I didn’t particularly like you. Maybe it’s more accurate to say that I didn’t like your behavior.
2. It’s not about you. When you are pregnant it’s all about you. Everyone wants to make sure you are ok and that you have everything you need. “Don’t lift that…, Can I get you a glass of water? Why don’t you go take a nap?” Well once you’ve gotten into the crux of parenting, it’s not about you anymore. You can be sure that your kids could care less if you had enough sleep, have a headache or are stressed out about the bills.
3. There are 4,575,265 ways to make yourself feel guilty about your parenting choices. It’s a losing battle so you might as well forgive yourself and move on.
4. If you give them an inch, they want it ALL! Forget the mile, my kid wants everything she can get. I in turn get frustrated by how ungrateful and demanding she is. End result I lose my cool and am not the ideal parent who says just the right thing. I need to remind myself that it’s my job, like it or not, to create boundaries and reasonable expectations and to stick to them.
5. No one really wants to hear about the bad stuff. Advertising tells us that if we drink a certain beverage we will be cool, hip and enjoy fabulous experiences on tropical islands. It also tells us that if we buy our kids every toy in the world our kids will be happy, helpful and cooperative. No one’s going to tell you that some days things stink. Your kids aren’t going to cooperate. Hell, if they are like my daughter they are going to do the exact opposite of what you asked them to do and then smile about it. The anger, fear, disappointment, frustration and overwhelming nature of parenting just does not make for polite conversation.
6. Sometimes the little bit is all you’ve got. This refers to money, time, energy, enthusiasm, patience, you name it. Some days you are going to come up short. Hopefully on those days your kids will be on your side, but if not you’ll have to find some inner resolve to handle the situation. If you don’t, you might end up doing or saying something you’ll regret, then you can pick one of the ways from #3 to feel guilty about your actions.
7. Your kids don’t care about today’s crisis. Around here it’s always playtime. It never fails that the days I need to get out of the house quickly, are the days my daughter NEEDS to do a in-depth examination of her belly button lint or to show me the phenomenal, one of a kind hand prints she managed to make on the shower door. Best be organized and give yourself plenty of time because kids will be kids, even when you are on the brink of a personal disaster.
8. Even the experts get it wrong. I knew this Child Psychologist whose kids had more challenges than the average bear. We expect that if you go to school to learn about children and their behavior, that your kids should be perfect. That’s just not how we are hardwired as human beings. Things that work in theory may not work with your child. That’s not to say that the experts don’t have great kids. I’m just saying that many struggle, just like we do.
9. There are no right answers. Kids are like snowflakes. No two are alike. Even twins. Each child has their own individual personality, quirks, likes, strengths, fears and abilities. Although there are a ton of books about child development, there are no answers that work for every child. You are just going to have to find out what works with your child. It’s like life’s Rubix Cube with an absurdly high degree of difficulty.
10. You will fail and it will be UGLY. I have yet to meet one parent who doesn’t have  a horror story about something they said or did to their child that will stay with them for the rest of their lives. I have many. One time when my daughter was a rambunctious toddler who was misbehaving, I went to spank her on her bottom. She turned around just in time for me to spank her in the middle of her stomach. I still get emotional thinking about it. She wasn’t injured, but I’m sure it hurt. How do you explain to your crying two-year old that you didn’t mean to hit her in the stomach?  That you just wanted to spank her bottom so she would stop the bad behavior. You can’t, and I couldn’t take it back so I just held her while she cried. I think I cried too  and apologized. It was a failure on my part and it certainly was ugly.

When we become parents we join an illustrious club of individuals who are solely responsible for the wellbeing of impressionable children. Every action we say, do or celebrate is catalogued and often repeated. Parenting can be as difficult as it is rewarding. I love my little girl. I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without everything she has taught me. I guess people don’t tell you what you need to know about parenting, but your kids will. The question is will be you be willing to learn what they are here to teach  you and grow from the lessons learned?  I hope that’s what I’m doing. Only time will tell. I expect to arrive at her 21st birthday full of gray hairs, having accumulated  hundreds of sleepless nights and exhausted beyond belief…if I am lucky.

Grooming A Delicate Soul

Great weekend. A weekend jam-packed with a little bit of everything – sports, a circus and amusement park. Everything but housework. That darn set of tasks that seems to always elude me. I will start the weekend behind the eight ball, playing catch up. It’s not a great way to start things off, but it sure was fun while it lasted.

The best part about all of the activities was watching my daughter cycle through every emotion she has: anticipation, joy, frustration, anger, fear and love. I should have more weekend’s like this. Ones that are all about having fun and creating lasting experiences. The opportunity I get is to support her as she experiences ups and downs.

Yesterday we went to her first circus. My little cutie was dancing and having a great time. Wide eyed with amazement seeing the tigers, elephants, clowns and aerialists. In one of the acts a 12-year-old girl climbed up a pole 100 feet in the air. I didn’t expect my daughter to be scared. I’m not sure why, but I just didn’t. I was even more shocked when she started crying and saying that she wanted the little girl’s mother to be up on the pole with her.

12-year-old circus performer 100 feet up

In one beautiful and touching moment, my daughter was more concerned about another child’s well-being than her own. He fear was pure and she was open to being comforted. As grown ups, sometimes we build up layers of armor to protect against life’s injuries. It can be rare that someone is there to scoop us up and tell us everything will be ok.

I’m thankful that this weekend I got a chance to be there for my baby. I wasn’t too tired to connect or too preoccupied to notice…

but now I’m exhausted and will slip off to sleep.